Now you funny too!
I’m not a joke teller. I can’t tell a joke to save my life. I think I tried to tell a joke only one time, when I was about 12. I’ve never attempted telling another joke since then. Some of you, however, can tell jokes. And do. In a recent thread, Townsman Bobby Bittman impressed me with the following rock ‘n roll stand-up joke:
A guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks, “Wow, this is cool.” He goes to the beach, he hears the drums. He eats lunch, he hears drums. He goes to a luau, again with the drums. He tries to go to sleep, and he still hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can’t sleep at night because of the drums. It’s driving him nuts! Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, “Hey! What’s with these drums? Don’t they ever stop? I can’t get any sleep!”
The manager says, “No! Drums must never stop! Is very, very bad if drums stop.”
“Why?”
“When drums stop…bass solo begins.”
This got me thinking: there must be more rock ‘n roll jokes, old-fashioned jokes that joke tellers can tell at parties, out there. I know there are lots of drummer jokes, which have probably been documented elsewhere, but what else have you got?
I look forward to the laughter.
If this is open to drummer jokes, this could be a very, very long thread.
aloha
LD
How do you know the stage is level?
The drummer is drooling evenly out of both sides of his mouth.
Why does it take 50 guitarists to change a light bub?
One actually unscrews the bub and the other 49 lurk around the bar saying ‘I could do that‘..
First, this is a jazz joke, I suppose – then, so is the joke in the OP. 2nd, despite the bad reputation of the subject of this joke, I have also heard some nice stories about him too. Ok, disclaimer out of the way…
Guy calls Buddy Rich’s house, his widow answers the phone. The guy says “hi, can I talk to Buddy?” Buddy’s widow says, “Oh, I’m sorry to tell you, but Buddy passed away.” “Ok,” says the man, hangs up.
Next day, phone rings – it’s the same guy. “Hi, can I talk to Buddy?” She says, “Didn’t you call yesterday? Buddy is no longer with us.” “Ok,” he says again, hangs up.
Third day, “Hi, can I talk to Buddy?” “Ok, now, you keep calling and I don’t know what your problem is but you have to get it into your head: Buddy is dead!” “I know,” says the man, “I just like to hear you say it.”
A guitarist finishes a gig and is the last one in the place with the barman, who asks if he’d like a scotch before he goes home. The player says, “Sure”, and the barman plonks down a big glass of Glenlivet and a small bowl of peanuts to go with it, then wanders off to wipe down the counter. This leaves the guitarist all by himself for a minute. From nowhere, a little voice says, ”Great gig man! You’re one hot picker!”
The player looks over at the barman and says, “Hey, thanks”, and the barman looks back and says, “What for?” The player says, “For saying nice things about my playing”. The barman, a little confused, says, “Uh, you were good and all, but I didn’t say anything, man”.
The guitarist thinks it’s late and maybe he’s a little spaced, so he’d better head off, when, suddenly, another little voice says, “Yeah great licks, man, and nice moves too! You sure cut it up there”. The guitar player turns around and says, “Hey, thanks’,’ but again, there’s nobody there. The barman looks over and says, “Are you OK, man?”, because the picker looks a bit spooked, and the guitarist says hesitantly, “Uh, yeah, I think so”.
Then, as he empties his glass, he hears another tiny voice say, “Hot licks, great look, wonderful style, man! The chicks sure got off on you!” He looks around, and…again, no one’s there! Totally freaked out, he yells, “OK,THAT’S IT! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”
The barman runs down and says, “Hey, what’s your problem, dude?”, to which the guitarist says, ”WHERE ARE THOSE VOICES COMING FROM? IS THIS CANDID CAMERA? AM I LOSING MY MIND!?!”
”What voices? What are they saying?”, The barman asks. So, the guitarist proceeds to tell the barman exactly what was going on and what was said, and that every time he’s looked, no one was there that could have been speaking to him.
The barman, suddenly realizing what the guy is going on about, says reassuringly, “Ohhh, that would be the peanuts, man; they’re complementary!”
One more, then I must disappear into the shadows once again:
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, “So, what did you learn today?”
“Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string.” The following week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, “Well, this time I learned the first five notes on the A string.”
One week later, the son comes home really late, reeking of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks, “Hey, just what the hell happened in today’s lesson?”
“Oh, sorry Dad, I couldn’t make it to my lesson; I had a gig!”
Thank you, you’ve been a great crowd! Don’t forget to tip your waitress or bartender!
OK…. a musician is walking down the street when he bumps into an old classmate from his music school days. The guy says,
oh hey man, I haven’t seen you since we graduated, what’ve you been up to?”
Other guy says, “Well, after we graduated, I moved to LA, joined a band and we got a deal. We made two records that went platinum… didn’t you hear about that?”
“No… no I didn’t hear about that.”
“Oh, ok… well, after that the band broke up and I made a solo album which went Gold and I won a Grammy… didn’t you hear about that?”
“Uh, no… I didn’t hear about that.”
“Ah, well… then my producer hooked me up with this film director, so I scored his big superhero movie that came out last summer and it’s nominated for an Oscar – didn’t you hear about that?”
“No, no… didn’t hear about that.”
“Right, okay, anyway… I’m in town for a week, hitting some of the old hangouts you know. i played in our old jam session last night, though between us, my chops are a little rusty.”
“Yeah, I heard about that.”
Q: What do you call a drunken lowlife pervert dope addict who likes to hang around musicians?
A: The drummer!
Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?
A: The bond eventually matures.
Pince nez on your punchline:
The bond eventually matures and earns money.
Apologies in advance, I’m not proud of this.
What’s the difference between a musician and a pig?
A pig won’t stay up all night trying to fuck a musician.