Who among us hasn’t been amazed by the wisdom of The Hall? For as many knowledgeable individuals who dazzle me with their rock knowledge, it is the collective wisdom of our participants that I find most dazzling.
It is in this spirit that I want to continue a feature that was launched a couple of months ago, not only for the people but by the people.
As originally described, the concept is simple. This is a place to seek specific wisdom from the collective intelligence. These are not to be philosophical queries but rather to seek advice and wisdom on specific rock questions. It may be a place to seek listening and purchasing recommendations.
Today I have a simple request, for The Orockle, one that may spark lengthy conversation, or not, but will hopefully illicit some sage advice.
As always, when any of us consult The Orockle, the opportunity exists for folks to ask similar questions and receive similar advice. The topic shouldn’t necessarily focus just on my topic.
Here’s the question I would like to ask The Orockle:
What’s the best way to clean my vinyl records, by wiping them on my shirt or my pants? If the latter, does it matter if I’m wearing jeans or cordouroys? I say pants work best, but my friend tells me I’m nuts to use anything but a t-shirt. Before wiping, does it help to huff some moist breath on the record?
How do you clean your vinyl, Orockle?
I find that a high pressure shower massage on hot, whilst vigorously scrubbing the platter with a loofah doused in plenty of Head & Shoulders, followed by a nice line drying on a clear, windy day does the trick.
If weather does not permit that method, I usually smear the platter with mackerel & let the cat lick it clean. The enzyme’s in feline saliva do wonders for the fidelity, & the rough yet yielding surface of the cat’s tongue really digs out the serious grime.
Finally, should you find yourself sans puss, a liberal dousing of Mandom on the platter, followed by a light pat drying using the edge of a black satin sheet, will remove all but the most stubborn of grime. An added bonus is the fact that your vinyl will now exude the musky essence that is Mandom. She’ll thank you for it later.
I like to take them in the bath with me. The more, the better! Just me, Mr. Bubble and thirty or forty of my favorite records. I don’t think they have as much fun in the shower, and quite frankly, neither do I. I make sure the 45’s stay in the shallow end of the tub, though. Those little guys aren’t the best swimmers.
I just leave them overnight in the Orgazmatron.
Truth is, it’s been a while since I have had a working turntable, so the only dust that I am getting is on jackets.
At some point I convinced myself that if I own the vinyl, then it’s ok for me to use bit-torrent to find the mp3 version. Fractured logic, but I can sleep at night knowing that I am not a thief.
The WORST way to remove the dust from your LPs? A flood. That was the fate of hundred of LPs from the shared collection I had with my brother. He kept them in my parrents basement for one month and of course they had a flood. The covers are ruined, and the records have caked-in sludge, which event the best pair of cordouroy pants can’t remove
Also, it’s hard for most of us to call down a flood upon the lands in hopes of cleaning our records. jungleland, I think there’s something you’re not telling us about yourself, & if I’m correct, couldn’t you just will the LPs clean?
In all seriousness, though, as a comic, I don’t in any way wish to make light of your vinyl loss. That blows, man. What crappy timing.
The only vinyl I play is usually incredibly filthy (my Thrifty Music finds) — I’ll usually dampen an old T-shirt with a home-made alcohol/distilled water blend Links Linkerson turned me onto (the proportions for which I’ve since forgotten), wrap sides A and B of the single (my usual vinyl format) in the fold of a sopping corner of the T-shirt, and muscle it round and round, thus cleaning both sides at the same time. The big hole in a 45 gives you great leverage to do this; all kinds of crud comes off.
Either that, or I’ll wedge the thing in my ass-cleft and go for a brisk walk.
hrrundiv, That last line painted a truly horrible picture in my mind, because either you’re wearing extra large trousers of some sort (like clown pants) to accommodate the 45 sticking out from between your butt cheeks, or you’re taking these strolls bottomless. If so, I pray that it’s during the wee hours of the morning. You could scar a child for life with such a spectacle.
just fuckin blow on them!
not to be a huge jerkoff, but everybody who geeks the fuck out like we do here on this site should have a working turntable. Records don’t get dusty and shitty sitting on a shelf on their sleeves/jackets. they get shitty from sitting in basements and sunrooms and when piled horizontily.
jungleland2, i would like to have sympathy for your loss, but truth is, if you gave a shit about your vinyl, it would not have been within reach of bad plumbing/drainage/sumpwhatever.
Silk panties are really the only way to go, boys — black ones to match the record. I’m sure you’ve all got a pair lying around.
Holly, Who the hell told yo…I m-mean,… good point! I’ll have to try that sometime. I would’ve NEVER considered that.
Shawn, Jeez, man, give the man a break. The records were only there for a month, I’m guessing, because they had nowhere else to store ’em. I’m not saying you’re a HUGE jerk-off, but who could foresee THAT would be the month that the basement flooded? So, maybe a bit of a jerk-off?
Mmmmm….black silk panties!
a month too long.
wink.
Why, you scamp, you!
2000 Man, you’re baths with your friends made me laugh. Thanks.
TB