Townsmen Diskojoe and Alexmagic put their heads together for the following Battle Royale that works off a recent Last Man Standing. Check it out, and let your creative juices flow! A lot of tv studio and record label execs follow our proceedings in the Halls of Rock.
What are rock’s cross-promotional prime-time efforts you would like to have seen? For example how about The New York Dolls on The Odd Couple or Motley Crue on Married With Children?
Because this discussion is being held under Battle Royale rules, it’s not enough to simply throw down an idea. You’ve got to throw down your BEST idea. To pump up the degree of difficulty and make Townspeople work for the belt, the band’s appearance on the show should have been possible, as is the case with the above-listed examples, and you should briefly describe what the plot of the episode would have been.
Pink Floyd on Uncle Floyd as his nephews.
The Butthole Surfers on Baywatch. Pam and the girls are unsure their implants are big enough, so they go to an “inner city club” where the Buttholes are playing and people bounce off them in the mosh pit.
The New York Dolls on The Odd Couple as the band that Felix’s daughter Edna runs away from home to follow as a groupie following a fight w/Felix about attending one of their concerts. Felix ‘n Oscar find Edna working a dive & DavidJo & the boys show their deep-down good natures by convincing Edna to go back w/Felix.
Felix’s son Leonard wants to take up the bass, Felix would prefer he play violin, but is all for it until he realizes it’s bass GUITAR in a hairy hippie rock band! Oscar comes to the rescue, as he is friends with Yankees fan Paul McCartney who invites them to a “Rock Show” at the “Madison”. Felix is concerned that Wings concerts may have many birds he would be allergic to, but he always takes care to pat Denny Laine on the head and say “good little boy”. Many references are made to that OTHER band Paul was in, and Oscar recalls he once posed as Ringo Starr. While sidestage, Leonard hears Linda singing, and realizes there are too many sacrifices to that lifestyle, and he would miss his overbearing dad’s chocolate chip cookies while on the road, and never remember to pack all his asthma medicine. As a reward for their help, Felix makes Wings a going away vegetarian meal, which Oscar spoils by coming in late spilling carryout he’s brought in all over Paul. Paul says that’s ok, he would have settled for a jam buttie anyhow (and wouldn’t mind licking his shirt if Linda would just look the other way, and they escape to the strains of Band On The Run.
Weezer on Happy Days.
Van Halen (the DLR version, ca. 1979) on “Joanie Loves Chachi.” Marion trusts Mr. C to hire a “nice band” for the upcoming high school social. Mr. C spots VH on the street corner practing their cheeseball doo-wop routine for the middle eight to “Show Your Love” off the first VH album. Thinking this is a trustworthy group of youngsters, he hires them on the spot.
Hilarity and high drama ensues when Diamond Dave (that’s also his name in the episode) steals Joanie away from Chachi. (She allows this to happen because she suspects Chachi’s been making time with the cute new exchange student who works at the school library.)
Joanie is seen being escorted to all the happening teen night spots by Diamond Dave: Arnold’s, the drive-in, and, importantly, “The Lookout” — the park-n-neck spot high above town. Diamond Dave, true to form, pushes Joanie to go just a little too far. Chachi, who’s been spying on them, hurls open the door to Dave’s ’58 Chevy BelAire and socks him. Diamond Dave skulks off into the bushes, vowing revenge and saying Joanie “wasn’t all that.”
The rock plot comes to a humorous/dramatic finale when Diamond Dave and the BelAires make their appearance at the hop. They start off with the doo-wop Tom heard, but then segue into the heavy metal part of the song: “Show… your… LOVE!” Diamond Dave is looking right at Joanie while he sings this. Chachi, incensed, jumps up on stage and clocks Dave yet again. Joanie then separates the two, saying that they’re *both* wrong for trying to “own” her.
Meanwhile, Bosley is aghast at the rock explosion that has unfolded on stage, winces as he gets a dirty look from Marion, and announces that the sock hop has been cancelled. The kids are despondent… until Fonzie roars into the auditorium on his Harley, leading a tour bus containing the band he promised Mrs. C — about which Mr. C had his doubts, leading to the Diamond Dave fiasco —
SHA-NA-NA!
The episode ends with Mrs. C passing out a plate of home-made cookies to the members of Sha-Na-Na. Bowser eats two of them, one in each hand, alternating huge bites as he hoists them in bicep-flexing fashion.
HVB
p.s.: note that only Diamond Dave actually makes an effort to dress the part of a 50s greaser; the rest of the band looks like VH, ca. 1979.
I know it’s chronologically impossible, but…
i want to see Jandek and Daniel Johnston on M*A*S*H as shell shocked soldiers in the post-op, trying to have a psych-singalong that upsets the other patients.
After Frank Burns’ insensitive attempt to have these two crazies prematurely sent back to the front lines is thwarted, Hawkeye and Trapper spirit them away to the Swamp (isn’t that what they called their digs?) for some moonshine and warped tunes.
While Daniel croons his new song, “bombs, oh bombs dropping all over my head” before a passed out Hawk and Trap, Jandek steals away and sneaks into the already-occupied bed of what he *thinks* is one of the O.R.’s nurses. But it’s Klinger! Before Colonel Blake can intervene, whacky hijinx ensues!
Gilligan’s Island….
Gilligan and the Skipper are sent out on an errand for coconuts, but manage to get lost. They wander through the jungle for a while, but it is starting to get dark, and cold. Gilligan insists he can build a fire to warm them by rubbing sticks together. Invariably, he fails and the Skipper fails too. They go looking for shelter and find a cave. They wander into the cave, which is decorated with creepy paintings. Suddenly, they hear a sound, and out from the shadows steps….
Arthur Brown! He sings “Fire” while wearing his fire helmet and women emerge holding torches, dancing provocatively. As the song progresses, the cave fills with a crazy mist. When the ends, Gilligan and the Skipper are overtaken by the fumes, everything goes hazy. Next thing they know, it is daytime, they wake up on the beach surrounded by coconuts, with Ginger and the Professor standing over them.
Excellent, Cher!
Jerry notices Kramer’s new friends, Kim and Thurston, have been hanging around a lot. It turns out that they think downtown is over, and they believe that Kramer is the key to the new uptown slacker chic. They want him to direct one of their videos, but by the time they discover that he doesn’t actually have any talent they are recurring minor characters. They are the subplot of numerous episodes, including several where George serves as their roadie.
In the final episode of the series, after a hilarious sequence mistaken identities, Frank Costanza joins Sonic Youth as bassist/producer, thereby allowing Jim O’Rourke to remain in obscurity, while Estelle leaves Frank and lives happily ever after with Kramer. Jerry and Elaine die in a moshpit incident.
Frank gets his own spinoff series as a senescent rocker plagued by the sexual tension and love/hate relationship he shares with his new manager (Courtney Love).
The Zombies on the Addams Family
Gomez & Morticia hire the Zombies sight unseen for Wednesday’s birthday & are shocked when they show up since they expected a band that looked like real Zombies. The band manages to overcome the problem w/their playing, Wednesday develops a crush on Colin Blumestone & Lurch does “The Lurch”.
diskojoe, maybe Rod Argent duets on the harpsichord with Lurch, until Thing gets jealous and yanks him off the stool by his hair. Gomez can say “I always KNEW she wasn’t there, but I never thought to SING it! Brilliant!”
Also, Cousin Itt would have to complain about their hair being too short.
The Who guest on Batman. We open with a high school dance Dick Grayson is attending where a band called the Four Oceans are playing the Batman theme, seguing into Substitute. John is placid Pacific, Roger is cold, stormy Artic, Pete is an angry Atlantic, and Keith is tanned Indian. Little do the caped crusaders realize that Moon is also criminal mastermind “The Loon”, who has been breaking into mansions, stealing jewels (and brandy snifters) and leaving smashed limousines floating in their swimming pools. He’s crazy but he does like the water. Bruce Wayne is an easy mark for The Loon, since Dick Grayson secretly has been listening to Pictures of Lily as a big fan of The Oceans, and wants to have his own party at stately Wayne Manor. Alfred discovers the Loon messing about Bruce’s prize collection of Native American drums, and sets off an alarm, a fight ensues with Altantic subduing Batman with a Rickenbacker over the head. The Oceans tie up Batman in a huge drum kit with a metronomic machine beating him over the head with drumsticks in a never ending solo. Can Batman withstand this terrible beating? Tune in next week, same Bat time, same Bat channel!
The Cosby Show, Season 2:
To handle an increased workload, Cliff temporarily shares his downstairs office space with a fellow obstetrician, Dr. Matt Fink. Claire invites Dr. Fink upstairs to have dinner with the Huxtables. He agrees, but has to leave before dessert because he has a prior committment that evening, rehearsal for his second job as the keyboard player for Prince & The Revolution.
Denise and Theo are beside themselves, and Dr. Fink – with Cliff’s permission – arranges for the family to come see the band rehearse later that week. The Huxtables, minus Claire but with Theo’s best friend Cockroach, show up just in time to hear the band finish a run through of “Mountains” from their new album Parade.
Cliff is a bit worried when the enigmatic Prince displays a keen interest in Denise, but he is impressed with Prince’s taste in art when he sees the cover of the band’s previous album, Around The World In A Day, which reminds him of the Ellis Wilson painting Claire recently bought at an auction.
The Huxtables return home, where Rudy and Vansessa fight over the purple beret Rudy was given by the band. Theo and Cockroach are somewhat disappointed by the fact that they tried putting their best moves on Wendy & Lisa to no avail, causing Cliff to laugh knowingly.
Note: On the day of filming, Prince would have decided to refuse to deliver any of the lines written for him. After a closed door negotiating session with Cosby, they would come to an agreement whereby Prince would communicate by a series of coy eye movements and by whispering into the ear of Revolution guitarist Miko Weaver, who then relayed all of Prince’s dialogue to the Huxtables.
You guys are on fire! Keep the good stuff coming. You should see the Hollywood types checking in on your thoughts!
Alexmagic, that is gold!
Homicide: Life on the Streets
First season (1993)
A Baltimore rock club owner is found murdered in the alleyway, having sustained severe head wounds. Pembleton and Bayliss interview all the touring indie bands currently in Baltimore. Pembleton figures the prime suspect is Dinosaur Jr. J. Mascis. Pembleton spends an hour in The Box, trying to break Mascis, who responds to every question with “Yeah,” “Uh,” or “Dunno.” Despite Pembleton’s increasing theatrics in The Box, Mascis never breaks and Pembleton is forced to let him go. Later that day, Mascis is found in his van, also the victim of severe head trauma.
Bayliss gets a lead about another musician currently in Baltimore, but not playing a show there, Sebadoh frontman Lou Barlow. While in the box, Barlow talks about his difficulties in securing a gig in town. Bayliss asks if he knew J. Mascis. Barlow explains their history and then pulls out his guitar to perform “The Freed Pig.” Then he breaks down, sobbing, confessing to both murders.
I invite alexmagic to write the B story.
Star Trek (1967)
The Enterprise arrives at a mysterious planet that is home to a colony populated by a racially diverse group of young adults who appear to be living in a lush, green Eden. The colony is led by special guest stars Arthur Lee and Love.
Spock and McCoy are initially wary of this seeming paradise, but Kirk is quickly convinced to explore further when he catches the eye of several nubile space hippies. The rest of the Enterprise crew quickly follows his lead as they listen to the inspiring words of the colony’s leader (Lee), who bestows each willing crew member with an elaborate lei made of the planet’s exotic indigenous plant life. To McCoy’s dismay, the crew begins to abandon their duties on the Enterprise to attend Lee’s rallies, where Love performs an abbrevieated version of “She Comes In Colors”.
At McCoy’s behest, Spock begins to investigate the colony and performs a Vulcan mind-meld on one of Lee’s followers (Love keyboardist Alban “Snoopy” Pfisterer), but the only thought patterns he can pick up are the repeating phrases “CO2+2 H2A” and “(CH2O)n+H2O+2A”. He quickly realizes that they are part of the chemical equation for photosynthesis, and he and McCoy then stumble upon a cave where several nameless members of the Enterprise crew are being eaten alive by the planet’s fauna! Spock correctly assesses that the planetlife on the planet has taken over the people and is using them to lure in others to serve as its food.
They inform Kirk, who engages in a shirtless duel to the death with Arthur Lee, which finishes when Shatner judo chops Lee on both sides of the neck at the same time, killing him instantly. He then howls in agony.
Back aboard the Enterprise, Kirk, Spock and McCoy exchange some pithy remarks about how McCoy hates hippies, and Kirk says something about “paradise lost” and Spock raises an eyebrow curiously and McCoy and Kirk laugh and the show ends.
Note: I just looked up Star Trek on wikipedia after writing this, and it turns out there really is an episode from 1967 called “This Side of Paradise” with the plot description “The Enterprise visits a planet where the inhabitants are kept in check by strange plant life.” I did not know this. I am slightly worried by this coincidence.
Damn you guys are good at this! Not a clunker in the bunch. Personally, I’m torn between the Adams Family and the Star Trek for Best in Show.
I’m loving them all, but may be leaning toward’s HVB’s “Joanie Loves Chachi” for pulling a two-fer and the beyond perfect image of Bowser doubling down on the cookies at the end of the show. I hope these keep coming.
Also, upon review I apparently don’t know the difference between flora and fauna anymore.
I hope I’m allowed to stretch the rules of engagement a bit by proposing a scene I would like to have seen in a famous television mini-series (prime time) from the ’70s.
Randy Newman appears on two of the middle episodes of Roots as Sam/Barney, an undercover emancipator posing as a slave trader posing as an amateur minstrel performer. Thanks to his musical skills, Newman’s character is invited to the home of slave owner William Reynolds (Robert Reed) to provide private instructions in the application of blackface and the art of slurred, “negro” singing. The first episode with Newman as “Sam,” in his minstrel tutor persona, is highlighted by a charming-if-squirm-inducing montage of Newman and Reed in blackface and oversized tuxedos, tapdancing and singing spirituals. Reed is palpably pleased to put his musical-theater training to use to a degree he has not been able to display on the small screen since the talent show episode of The Brady Bunch. Newman, in a New York Times review of the episode the morning of its broadcast, is credited for “truly inhabiting the role.”
A twist is introduced in episode two when, over pewter mugs of tobacco juice, Newman confesses to his “day gig” as a slave trader named Barney, and makes it clear to Reed that he’s had his eye on a young slave girl, Kizzy (Leslie Uggams). The deal is all but done when Reed catches Newman giving “private lessons” to his neice, Missy Anne (Sandy Duncan), with whom he plots to elope North along with young Kizzy, whom he plans to free but keep employed as a maid, for ironic purposes. Furious, Reed calls the deal off and sells Kizzy to the evil Tom Moore (Chuck Connors) for a Winchester carbine rifle and a bag of balls.
The Yardbirds on McHale’s Navy
McHale & his merry men are ordered to rescue a group of British guerilla fighters on a Japanese-held island, (the Yardbirds)who are American blues enthusiasts who blend in elements of the native culture in their music. They help McHale out of a serious jam he has w/Capt. Binghamton by playing a drone that knocks out the Captain & makes him forget what he wants to do w/McHale.
This thread is pissing me off. How I long to see that Who/Batman episode. You guys need to stop…it’s all too much!!!
TB
Okay, I’ll give it a whirl…
Saved By The Bell
Quick! The school needs some cash to send the gang on a school trip. Zack promises to help out by telling the gang that he personally knows the cousin of Eddie Vedder. Pearl Jam will play The Max! Tickets are sold and the gang all realizes that Zack is going to save the day and he becomes a hero.
Zack realizes that Pearl Jam is on tour and won’t be near Bayside until next week. A plan ensues where Zack convinces Slater, Screech, Kelly, Lisa, and Jessie to dress up and lip sync Pearl Jam hits. “we’ve got to do it for the school.
Meanwhile, Mr. Belding uses his old ties to the music business (he used to manage Blood, Sweat, and Tears featuring DCT) and has some friends with connections. He routes the PJ tour Bayside’s way.
Just as the Zack Attack (disguised as PJ) take the stage they are tearing through “Alive” and the crowd realizes that this is not the real PJ, Vedder and company come through the door. They play “Alive” live and the crowd goes nuts. Zack is forgiven and all is well at Bayside once again.
TB
Let me tie this stuff together –
GREEN ACRES episode:
Lisa Douglas convinces her uncouth farmer neighbor Maggie to hire Eb’s drifter cousin Zim (Bob Dylan) to work during harvest season. She particularly admires his boots of Spanish leather, although she’s concerned that he comes in wounded, Zim reassures her he’s only bleeding. After hearing Zim playing harmonica, Mr Haney sells him a guitar, before he realizes Bob actually knows how to play it, afterward chiding himself for not driving a harder bargain. This wins Zim a bit of grudging approval from Oliver. Naturally, Zim bristles in a bemused way at the dim townsfolk, as Mr Kimball misunderstands him singing a “hard rain’s gonna fall” as a welcome relief to the current dry weather, and spreads it around town that all Zim really wants to do is be friends with the girls over at Petticoat Junction. Oliver especially thinks the times shouldn’t be a changin’, but Lisa sees another side of Zim. Zim sings out his greivances about Maggie’s Farm and bids a restless farewell to Hooterville having only to escape the advances of Bobby Jo who thinks his name is Dylan, which he denies forcefully saying “no, no, no it ain’t me babe”, and heads down the highway after giving Arnold Ziffel his harmonica as a gift.
i can’t elaborate right now but, two come to mind:
anyone who wants to spin a plot out of these should feel free.
Devo on “Buck Rogers in the 21st Century.”
A solo Mick Jagger on “Designing Women” (don’t know why, but it just feels right, ya know?).
of course, the Ramones on Welcome Back Kotter.
The Head on “Tomorrow with Tom Snyder”….
Jethro Tull on “When Things Were Rotten”
In my opinion our entries so far have been so uniformly excellent that it’s been hard to grant the belt to any one Townsperson, a rare phenomenon supported by the fact that no Townsperson has yet CLAIMED the belt. However, petesecrutz’ Tull/”When Things Were Rotten” suggestion, despite its lack of plot synopsis, really hits the spot for me. (That show is among my Overlooked Gems and Tull is an instant chuckle for me, so I’m biased.) I’m willing to grant petesecrutz at least initial possession of the belt. What say you, Townspeople?
How about the Beatles appearing on an episode of the Prisoner? First George tries to convert Number Six to Krishna – subjecting him to an endless Indian droning, hoping he can prompt him into releasing all his information since his ego possibly will be destroyed by total consciousness. After 15 minutes of that, Number 6 merely says to the hidden camera “I prefer Brahms, thank you.” Next Paulie is the new Number Two, dressed in a blue pepper outfit taking film of Number Six wherever he goes, quickly editing bits and broadcasting it to a rabid public in Britain who denounce former spy/Number Six as “too big for his britches”, really pretentious, far too “Scottish” in appearance, and not deserving of the honors the Queen has given him. Number Six, notes that he has “retired” from his service to the Queen, and given the terms he left on, no gold watch was expected by him from the firm, and “reputation is perhaps really more a concern for those northern celebrities”. Lennon pops up in the last third as the next Number Two, spouting gibberish at him, spiking his tea, walking toward the camera backward, behaving like a right Edmund Lear character or something similar.
He chants Number 6 Number 6 Number 6 at him while psychedelic pop music plays at him to no effect. He snaps his fingers and says, Oh Ho, I’ve got it backwards, this will only work on Number 9! The episode ends with Number 6 asking, is Number One Ringo?
Touche, Mod:
Bryan Ferry on Fame. The kids are preparing for the local talent show and receive unexpected assistance from Ferry, who plays the role of unassuming history teacher. The show closes with Ferry and the kids doing a medley of classic soul tunes.
I like it, Dr. John!
I have to find some episodes to remind me of the characters.
Simply Robin Hood and his Merry Men are aided by a band of wandering vagrant villagers who are played by Jethro Tull. Jokes are made about Friar Tuck as the band plays “Fat Man”
When Things Were Rotten aired (briefly) in 1975 and Jethro Tull was fairly popular then as well. Geee..why did this not happen?
Jethro Tull gets to nod over Brit folk-RenFair bands as elicit for more of a laugh when you think of them
The band of merry men could set out to rescue Maid Marion and in a case of mistaken identity, rescue David/Dee Palmer, the keyboard player who had the sex change. HI-larity ensues
I watched When Things Were Rotten on the heels of lots of Get Smart rerun viewing where Dick Gauthier (Robin Hood) had been playing Hymie the Control robot. I can’t remember enough about it, but certainly a Thick-as-a-Brick, Cross-Eyed Mary could feature prominently.
Why is your minstrel in the gallery playing flute on one leg?
He’s a flamingo dancer?
That’s nothing, their bandname hasn’t even been born yet.
I think Cosby’s Elder-Statesman “Feelin’ It” Quasi-Funky-Chicken Dancing to a classic jazz tune should have been played opposite a belligerent Mingus, or a Dolphy or Ayler or somebody. Genuine comedy ensuing thereby. Or one of those way paranoid Miles Davis rants on Prime Time! Hoot and zoot!
Bruce and the E Street band drop by the Bada Bing after a show in Jersey. In cheesy TV split screen action, a coiffed Silvio meets bandana’d Little Steven. They circle each other, marveling at the resemblance. Silvio exclaims, “Ohhhhh, it’s like I’m looking in a mirror over here”.
In classic Prince and the Pauper fashion, they switch places and we see how much they love the other one’s life.
Eventually, Silvio laments that he can’t get any good gabbagool on the backstage deli trays, and Little Steven can’t get the strippers to dance to The Seeds and Paul Revere and the Raiders.
When Bruce and E Street band return to the Bada Bing, they switch back to their rightful spots. Then Tony whacks Clarence, saying “That’s the last song that sax playing eggplant is going to ruin”