A recent issue of GQ is sitting in the men’s room at my office, with Jake Gyllenhaal making goo-goo eyes at me. I’m sure it’s just the way God made him – and I’ve only seen him in one or two movies that he did not single-handedly destroy – but that guy really annoys me. Believe me, I know nothing about him (he may be a fantastic human being and all that), but every time I look at him he strikes me as a world-class kiss ass!
This got me thinking about Townsman E. Pluribus Gergely‘s Six-Pack or Shotgun theory on how we actually assess acting talent. To summarize, if you don’t have the time to go back and read the original thread, Gergely’s legendary late-night pronouncement on the topic should do:
“There’s no such thing as Acting Ability!” he said in typically definitive fashion, slamming his fist for emphasis. “When we watch any any actor in any movie it comes down to one thing: If that actor showed up unannounced at your back door, would you greet him or her with a six-pack or a shotgun?“
Today, let’s see if we can tackle the near-impossible task of applying this theory to related pairs of polarizing musicians. Sure, we’re loaded for bear when it comes to passionate, informed musical opinions, but let’s see if we can leave musical content out of it and investigate whether there is a deeper truth to our feelings on the following pairs of artists.
Your mission is to choose which artist in each pair gets the six-pack and which gets the shotgun. There’s no in-between, no ties, and especially none of this! The only risk you face in participating is the risk of revealing something deep about yourself.
A final reminder: If at all possible, leave your opinions on the artists’ music out of it. To aid in this I have attempted to kick things off with the selection of a few pairs of artists whose music most Townspeople have equal amounts of musical interest in.
When you’re done assigning the six-pack and the shotgun to each of the following sets of related polarizing artists feel free to add your own pair of related polarizing artists for us to ponder.
Let’s get it on…after the jump!
Bob Seger -SG …Bruce Springsteen -6P
Robert Plant – 6P … Janis Joplin – SG
Joni Mitchell- SG …David Crosby – 6P
Thom Yorke – 6P … Bjork – SG
Michael Stipe -SG …Bono – 6P (cause he’s Irish, don’tcha know)
The Grateful Dead – 6P ..Jefferson Airplane – SG
Jefferson Airplane – 6P (just to share one with Skip Spence) …Jefferson Starship – SG
Chicago – SG …Jefferson Starship – 6P (Kantner, Slick, Balin, later-era Mickey Thomas … imagine the incestuous stories!)
Damn you, Mod! That was pure evil making me choose between Mike (Looking Back with) Love and Charlie (Don’t Surf) Manson! I’d have to offer Mr. Love the six pack, but jeez, does it have to be good beer?
TB
Mike Love…Charles Manson
WOW! That’s a toughie. Manson is too far gone and there’s no way I could listen to him ramble for even two seconds, so I’d have to shoot him.
Love is such a pompous ass, but would have some cool stories about Murray Wilson, so I’d let him have one beer then probably shoot him.
I bet Sharon Tate is real interested in the last poll question.
Bob Seger SG…Bruce Springsteen 6P
Robert Plant 6P…Janis Joplin SG
Joni Mitchell 6P…David Crosby SG
Thom Yorke SG…Bjork 6P
Michael Stipe SG…Bono 6P
The Grateful Dead 6P…Jefferson Airplane SG
Jefferson Airplane 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
Chicago 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
Mike Love 6P…Charles Manson SG
Bruce 6P Seger SG (East Coast Bias)
Plant 6P Joplin SG
Joni 6P Crosby SG (Always hated Crosby until I went to see CSN&Y about 5 yrs ago. Crosby came out for the 2nd half, exhaled a huge smoke cloud, big smile and said “now some stuff your gonna love”. Very effective stagecraft for crowd in attendance. Then he played Guinnevere and back to the dumper for me.)
Yorke 6P Bjork SG (good rhyming pair, ya poet)
Bono 6P Stipe SG
Dead 6P Airplane SG
Starship 6P Airplane SG (Starship had a couple of serviceable tunes + they get theirs next)
Chicago 6P Starship SG
Love 6P Manson SG (Substitute “Manson” for “Love” in your favorite song titles – it just doesn’t work!)
Bob Seger SP…Bruce Springsteen SG
Robert Plant SG…Janis Joplin SP
Joni Mitchell 6P…David Crosby SG
Thom Yorke SG…Bjork 6P
Michael Stipe SG…Bono 6P
The Grateful Dead 6P…Jefferson Airplane SG
Jefferson Airplane SG…Jefferson Starship SP
Chicago 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
Mike Love 6P…Charles Manson SG
So far I’m a little surprised to see how many shotguns have been pulled on Seger. As our patron saint of rock mediocrity I thought Sege would fare better. Your honesty, however, is appreciated. Same goes for your wise choice of Mike Love over Manson. dr john, your sensitivity is appreciated, but really, do you have to go here:
http://www.frontiernet.net/~currtail/COPOUT1.JPG
k. awesome description of your brief up and then well-earned downs with Crosby. I hear you!
To avoid charges of copping out myself, here are my thoughts on these matters:
Bob Seger SP…Bruce Springsteen SG
Robert Plant SG…Janis Joplin 6P (This one’s tough for me – I kind of like Plant and used to despise Joplin, but I’m counting on there being a greater risk:reward of inviting Joplin in for a few brews – and no, I’m not thinking anything dirty; she may turn out to be a hoot, whereas Plant may get faux-philosophical on my after the second beer)
Joni Mitchell 6P…David Crosby SG
Thom Yorke SG…Bjork 6P
Michael Stipe 6P…Bono SG (Another tough one for me. I tend to like Bono better, but he may quickly get ponderous, whereas Stipe is more likely to settle in and eventually be good company over dinner, should we choose to take it that far)
The Grateful Dead 6P…Jefferson Airplane SG
Jefferson Airplane SG…Jefferson Starship 6P (you know I can’t pass up the opportunity to discuss “Miracles” and all that mellow ’70s crap)
Chicago SG…Jefferson Starship 6P (Chicago strike me as too boring to hang out with compared with almost any band; I’m surprised by the six-packs offered to them, even against this weak competition)
Mike Love 6P…Charles Manson SG
Bob Seger beer…Bruce Springsteen blast
Robert Plant beer…Janis Joplin blast
Joni Mitchell beer…David Crosby blast
Thom Yorke blast…Bjork beer
Michael Stipe beer…Bono blast
Grateful Dead blast…blast…blast…blast..blast…Jefferson Airplane beer
Jefferson Airplane beer…Jefferson Starship blast
Chicago beer…Jefferson Starship blast
Mike Love blast…Charles Manson beer, and hope he kills Chicago.
Mod says “Joplin … may turn out to be a hoot”
I say the more likely scenario is that she will be shy for the first two beers, hilarious for most of the third beer, and alternately crying and throwing up for the rest of it. Personally, I’d rather listen to some git drone on and on about the darkest depths of Morder than to have to figure out the best way to get vomit out of the rug.
(Full Disclosure: my response may be tainted by the fact that the kids had a stomach bug a few weeks ago and I can no longer sit in my easy chair without catching a whiff of vomit.)
Great argument in Plant’s favor – or Joplin’s disfavor. Worst-case scenario, I was envisioning having to prepare the “I think it’s best if we’re just friends” line after beer #5.
btw, you really should change the title from “Six-Pack of Shotgun” to “Six-Pack or Shotgun” It would make a bit more sense.
Thanks for pointing out the typo, dr john. Now about your answers… 🙂
Bob Seger SG…Bruce Springsteen 6P
This is a tough one for me. Bob’s not really worthy of a shotgun, but I think I’d rather have a beer with The Boss. I think I’d just rather hang out Bruce.
Robert Plant SG…Janis Joplin 6P
Janis would probably be more fun. Sorry, Robert.
Joni Mitchell 6P…David Crosby SG
Another tough one, but I just don’t want to hear any more JFK conspiracies.
Thom Yorke SG…Bjork 6P
I’d hang out with a real live Muppet any day.
Michael Stipe 6P…Bono SG
I just like R.E.M. better and Stipe would probably funny. Ha Ha, not the other kind.
The Grateful Dead 6P…Jefferson Airplane SG
American Beauty wins every time.
Jefferson Airplane 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
This one probably speaks for itself.
Chicago 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
I’m a former trombonist, so I might have fun talking shop with Pankow.
TB
I will cite my ammunition:
Seger – Coors Light…Springsteen – asphalt
Plant – ground glass from all the bottles he shattered with his annoying “baby”s …Janis Joplin – Wiedeman’s
Joni Mitchell any ground glass left over after Plant shows up…David Crosby – Wolaver’s
Thom Yorke – Young’s Oatmeal Stout…Bjork – Swan feathers
Michael Stipe – Dogfish Head (only catfish kind of have hair, right?)…Bono – peat, also I hope I’m prepared with a cream pie for his smug puss, because I think humiliation is better than a quick death for him
The Grateful Dead – Dead Guy Ale, of course …Jefferson Airplane – bath salts
Jefferson Airplane – Anchor Steam…Jefferson Starship – pet rocks
Chicago – Goose Island IPA…Jefferson Starship – No more pet rocks left, so feral rocks will have to do
Mike Love – Full Sail Ale (it’s too good for him, but whatever)…Charles Manson – tacks and nails
Bob Seger 6P…Bruce Springsteen SG
Robert Plant 6P…Janis Joplin SG
Joni Mitchell SG…David Crosby SP
Thom Yorke SG…Bjork 6P
Michael Stipe 6P…Bono SG
The Grateful Dead 6P…Jefferson Airplane SG
Jefferson Airplane 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
Chicago 6P…Jefferson Starship SG
Mike Love 6P…Charles Manson SG
Bob Seger/Bruce Springsteen
I really don’t want to have to pull a shotgun on Seger, but I would have to choose the Boss over him for the overall potential experience, and to ask him whether he finds the Stations of the Boss to be offensive. I would, however, give Eddie Money the six-pack. He’s probably got some great stories about being a cop.
Robert Plant/Janis Joplin
Joplin gets the shotgun, because I think it’d be a pain in the ass to try to get her to leave. Plant’s probably a light drinker as far as beer goes these days, and I’m sure he’s still got some good stories to tell. Also, I’d try to get him to comment on that Firm video.
Joni Mitchell/David Crosby
There’s as good a chance that Crosby is stopping by to have a friendly chat as there is that he’s trying to break in and steal my shit for cash, right? Shotgun.
Thom Yorke/Bjork
Easiest one on here – Bjork is total shotgun material. I’d fire right through the theoretical screen door. I doubt Yorke is as dour as his general public image, and he’s got that appearance in an epic South Park episode in his pocket.
Michael Stipe/Bono
Do bullets even work on Bono? They would probably just make him angry. This might be the hardest one on here. I find Stipe less objectionable than Bono, easily, but Bono would be the more interesting one to talk to, and I imagine he’s the better drinker, so shotgun for Stipe and six-pack for Bono.
The Grateful Dead/Jefferson Airplane
Drinking with the Dead, firing at the Airplane. Pretty easy one here.
Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship
I don’t know, Jefferson Airplane seem like they could be really annoying, I don’t think I want them in my kitchen. Starship, on the other hand, would probably be tired and ready to go home by 9 at the latest, so I’d have the rest of my evening free.
Chicago/Jefferson Starship
That said, I’d still like to shoot Starship with a shotgun, and I will choose this opportunity to do so. Chicago is the weakest winner, though.
Mike Love/Charles Manson
I’m going shotgun on Love and six-pack on Manson. I’m assuming this is 60s Manson, before the murder spree starts, and we can talk Monkees for a bit, then he can bring some crazy chicks over, and as soon as he starts talking about being The Wizard, I’ll throw him out a window or whatever Dennis Wilson did.
Bob Seger SG…Bruce Springsteen 6P
Robert Plant 6P…Janis Joplin CASE
Joni Mitchell SG…David Crosby SG
Thom Yorke SG…Bjork SG
Michael Stipe SG…Bono SG
The Grateful Dead SG…Jefferson Airplane SG
Jefferson Airplane SG…Jefferson Starship SG
Chicago SG…Jefferson Starship SG
Mike Love SG…Charles Manson SG
Yeah, I know, but I don’t like to waste perfectly good beer. As long as she didn’t start singing, Janis would probably be a lot of fun.
Wow, Bittman. The bodies would piled up pretty high on your front porch.
I’d rather listen to Janis sing than deal with the tiresome “Yeah, Man, Groovy” hippy-speak.
SG for everyone except my man Seger.
Chickie, maybe you’re right. SG for Joplin, too! Just me, Bruuuuuce & Percy, playing the Bob Newhart Show drinking game, and yakkin’ about old records.