Excluding talent-show performers, has any band been less talented than The Starvation Army Corps Band, as seen in this 1968 Mike Douglas Show appearance? I’m not talking about bands that are aesthetically not my cup of tea, like Journey, or producer-created bands that “fit the costume” and lip-sync, but bands that display such humble musical ability as this band of 15 and 16 year olds. From their introduction I gather that The Salvation Army Corps Band made it to national television as a cutesy favor to Mike’s guest, but who the guest is and why her son’s band merited inclusion on the broadcast are mysteries to me.
On the other hand, there’s no mistaking what led the following contender in this Battle Royale to its national television booking:
So let’s have it: Excluding talent-show losers and phony Johnny Bravo types, what’s the least-talented band to ever make it on national television?
The first showdown is between The Starvation Army Corps Band and The Plasmatics. The “winner” of this match-up will take on all-comers!
I was going to say Fear on SNL, but then I listened to the Starvation Army Corps. I don’t think there can be anything worse. I don’t *want* there to be anything worse.
I agree that it’s going to be tough to “beat” The Starvation Army Corps Band, but an artist who comes to mind who might match these teenage boys in lack of preparation for the national spotlight might be Liz Phair. I’m not finding the performance of “Polyester Bride” that she did on The Tonight Show, I believe, but here’s her doing a song I actually like on Letterman. It’s amazing how bad and nondescript her voice is AND how bad her stage presence is despite the fact that she’s a good-looking person who’s at least making an effort to “work it.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTv_zkPVcEM
Here’s another turd, this one from Leno, but not the performance I wish I could throw into the ring:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muCs-HhONUI
Again, I don’t think Phair is devoid of musical charms – on record – but she’s got no business performing on national tv. Let a pro like Alanis Morrissette or Sheryl Crow get the additional exposure. (BTW, there’s a clip of Phair singing backing vocals on Crow’s big summertime hit from a few years ago on a Leno appearance that’s weird.)
Agreed on Liz Phair, never quite got that one.
The only clip I can think of that comes close to the Starvation Army one is this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfAIbAWMkSg
They make a big deal out of introducing the band and saying how hard the kids worked, but they hardly play anything. The only thing that really makes this a contender is the atonal synth solo. Then again, does “Muskrat Love” deserve better treatment than this? Unlikely.
At least the Plasmatics were moderately interesting visually. Even SAC’s suits were boring.
Liz Phair has always just been a studio thing. I downloaded an audio bootleg of hers once and man, it was the kind of thing I’d have asked for my money back!
Starvation Army got worse!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFHJ7bMUutU&feature=related
This one is funnier.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poFU7zF4DoY&feature=related
The line is getting blurred a bit here. I thought the issue was “most untaltented people to make it on tv” not “worst televised performance”. If that’s the case, how about the Live Aid performances by Led Zeppelin or Dylan/Richards/Wood.
Hey, I wanted to say Led Zeppelin but I figured everyone would just say I was being snarky.
I can’t find video proof, but have you ever seen the band on Ernest Angley’s show? Wow, all the charisma of Starvation Army with the Cool Factor of the Lawrence Welk Singers.
Yes, cdm, I meant more like “most untalented to make it on tv,” not “worst performance.” In the case of Liz Phair, I guess I’m not being fair. It’s not like she’s devoid of talent – in the studio, with much help – but she’s completely unprepared to perform live for a national audience, and it’s not just a 1-shot deal of ill-preparation, like Led Zeppelin at Live Aid.
2K, WHO was on Ernest Angley’s show, Led Zeppelin??????????????????
One of the local channels here is the one Ernest owns, so we get all his shows. I think on the Ninety and Nine Club he’s got this band and the one guy that seems to be the leader plays a beautiful black Gibson. I think it’s a Les Paul, but I don’t exactly tune in, so it could be an ES-335 (isn’t that the one Chuck Berry plays?). Anyway, all the life has been sucked out of this guitar and he does some pretty yawn inducing eight second solo’s now and then. I think the drummer uses feathers and I’d lay money the bass player’s amp has less than two watts going through a 5 1/4″ speaker. There’s some Plain Jane backing singers and if I’m flipping through channels and they’re on, I gotta stop and watch. They play underneath this big, floating crown that reminds me of the big skull flag I saw Black Sabbath use in like 1977 or 78. I don’t know why it reminds me of that, but it does.
I’m about as interested in them as I am in Led Zeppelin, I suppose!
You know, as lame as the Plasmatics were, the “funny guy” doing Lawrence Welk is even lamer. Haha! Oh, my sides! I have a collection of “new wave” clips from that show (Fridays), which are very entertaining, overall, but, geez, was anybody funny on that show?
True, misterioso, I do not recall humorous moments on Fridays, just a young Michael Richards trying to be funny as Ronald Reagan as a proto-Kramer. Nor do I recall livestock on stage!
Who cared if it was funny, Melanie Chertoff was gorgeous!
Those Liz Phair clips were painful. The kids have an excuse — they were 15! She’s supposedly a professional. Her fall from grace seems entirely justified now.
Thompson Twins at Live Aid. WORLDWIDE television:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhnHMiSlJ_g
Ouch Liz Phair. I’m shocked they let her hide behind that microphone like that, it’s like she’s talking into her hand. Charisma and good looks are two different things, as Cindy Crawford proved in 1995’s FAIR GAME and Ernest Borgnine proves in every role he’s in.
Shawn,
That clip is way worse than I remember. I was there, it was HOT and Madonna was their guest. She wore some huge brocaded jacket and looked like she was going to melt.
I was going to use Ke$ha on this summer’s Today show but the clip on msnbc is just too much trouble to watch. Maybe she is supposed to be like that.
Wonder why so many female singers?
I happened to catch Katy Perry last week on SNL, and I swear that stage was a talent-free zone. She was trying to sing in the melismarrheal style popularized by contemporary ‘R&B’ singers, but she wasn’t hitting the notes. She also seemed to be trying to play the sex bomb card, but she’s not that attractive, though I admit I’m not an expert in that field. Am I missing something?
No, BigSteve, and you’re right about her voice not coming close to hitting notes or having any interesting tone. For me, even focusing on her chest fails to make up for all that’s lacking. Her main schtick, more so than her cleavage, is making that Betty Boop face, no? I never got off on Betty Boop.
yeah she’s like a fetish cartoon.
real pretty, but not real sexy.
can’t sing or act a lick either!
hahaha
I’m guessing that the guest is Nellie Connally, the wife of then-Texas Gov. John Connally.