Townsman chuckflack was pretty pissed about our recent Mount Rushmore of Rock thread, so he did the next best thing to publicly, personally, and shamefully insulting the thread’s author: he drafted his own thread for discussion on The Main Stage! Following is chuckflack’s All-Time Rock ‘n Roll Football Team. Although he would love for you to rubber stamp his roster, he knows better. Hike!
Screw Mount Rushmore! It might be rock, but it doesn’t roll too well. And it’s supposed to be four faces, and everybody’s crowded the thing with whole bands. Besides, it’s football season. Herewith, my all-time rock and roll football team. If my criteria isn’t clear, make up your own.
Offense
Quarterback: Elvis Presley
Fullback: James Brown
Halfback: Chuck Berry
Wide Receiver: Jimi Hendrix
Wide Receiver: John Lennon
Tight End: Joey Ramone
Center: Charlie Watts
Left Guard: Keith Moon
Right Guard: John Entwistle
Left Tackle: John Bonham
Right Tackle: Jack Bruce
Defense (I prefer the 3-4)
Nose Tackle: Brian Wilson
Defensive End: Jimmy Page
Defensive End: Bo Diddley
Outside Linebacker: Van Morrison
Inside Linebacker: John Lydon
Inside Linebacker: Jerry Lee Lewis
Outside Linebacker: Joe Strummer
Right Cornerback: Mick Jagger
Left Cornerback: Keith Richards
Strong Safety: Paul Westerberg
Free Safety: Bob Dylan
Punter: Elvis Costello
Place Kicker: Neil Young
Punt Returner: Ray Davies
Kick Returner: Smokey Robinson
Holder: Paul McCartney
Long Snapper: Lou Reed
Head Coach: Phil Spector
Waterboys: Simon & Garfunkel
Co-Head Cheerleaders: Little Richard and Toni Basil
Announcers: Alan Freed and Dewey Phillips
Referee: Greil Marcus
Mascot: Captain Beefheart
Like your choices overall, but, really, who’d follow Spector across the gridiron? Shel Talmy gets my vote for the charismatic asshole who needs to lead Team Rock to victory.
Interesting choices, although I wouldn’t put Joey Ramone on a whiffleball team, let alone a football team. He’ll crumble within seconds. I would add Otis Redding on the team. He seemed to be someone who could have played football. I would also add Marvin Gaye, who tried out for the Lions after he became a hit singer.
That’s a great team to listen to, but it’s not built to win. Like the Eagles taking Vick, you need to add guys who you find musically reprehensible, but are REAL gamers.
How about a couple of real football guys? Meatloaf on the O-line. Jon Bon Jovi as wide receiver/coach. A ringer of Rosie Greir? (come on, we discussed him on RTH before!) Anyone who was a cop or military man would make the team; Eddie Money and Johnny Cash. The only guy that scares me on your squad is James Brown.
Good choice on Brian Wilson. I read he was a good athlete before he went nuts.
Spector’s a great choice for coach in the old AFL, renegade Al Davis mold. He wouldn’t be my coach, but I’m not yet sure who my coach would be. Maybe George Martin, as a quiet, highly organized, Tom Landry type? I’ll think about it.
Diskojoe nails it with Otis Redding needing to be on the team, but I’m afraid Marvin Gaye would turn out to be a major prima donna receiver, no matter how talented. I can’t stand Randy Moss.
Sam: kick return/wide receiver/fancy lad
Dave: John Riggins-style running back
This is getting me thinking about a long-overdue post that’s been perking in my noggin for years, examining the critical differences — and unsung skill sets — possessed by Sam and Dave.
There sure are a lot of people and positions in football, given that it looks to me like a bunch of guys all running into each other.
Somebody PM when we start putting together the RTH luge team, much less complicated.
I don’t know enough about football to comment in depth but it seems like there should be more hard rock/heavy metal/hardcore guys. Didn’t Andrew WK (or what ever his name is) used to smash himself in the face with a brick? I’m not sure which position but I’d want him on my squad somewhere.
What about GWAR as the defensive line?
Surely there’s a place for people like Henry Rollins, GG Allin, and David Allen Coe.
And I’d like to see Iggy return the kicks.
Excellent ones, CDM.
I finally have a reason to select Michael Anthony for something, too.
There’s something about Martin Belmont that casued us to joke about what a good nose tackle he’d be.
I like Chuck Berry as a tailback and I think he’d do really well for this team. He’s got those freakishly huge hands, so odds are he’s never going to fumble. He can entertain the crowd by doing the duckwalk across into the endzone. And I imagine he’d always be hunkered down in the tape room watching video during the week.
My big problem is James Brown at fullback. JB is a QB, and he’s not playing fullback, especially not on a team with Elvis as the QB, unless maybe you’re running some kind of Wildcat offense. Nah, JB paid the cost to be the boss, and he needs to be your quarterback. I think he’d be a Peyton Manning type, running the offense himself on the field, fining anybody who missed a block or blew a route. He’d be incredibly hard to sack with all of his moves, and if he did get hit by the defense and appeared to be injured, the team doctor could just run out and throw the cape on him so he could continue. I think Terry Bradshaw used to do this in the ’70s all the time.
HVB, please do that Sam vs. Dean thread. I saw a telethon special on one of the local PBS stations here about a month ago that showed a Stax concert in Sweden (I think?) featuring Otis, Sam & Dave and Booker T and the MGs, and I was once again blown away by Sam & Dave’s moves – both the things they did in synch and the personal touches they’d add when singing/not singing.
In that photo Elvis’ hair being messed up is bad enough, but those shoes are indefensible.
Yeah, what’s The King wearing, daisy-print Vans?
A football team is built from the offensive and defensive lines. To that effect, my O-line is going to be composed of Randy Bachman and Turner (of BTO) at the guard positions, surrounding Percy Sledge at center. My tackles will be the Mexican bassist from Metallica, Robert Trujillo (?), and John Entwistle. Gotta have The Ox protecting the QB’s blindside. My tight end is Burton Cummings; he’s an able blocker and has great hands in the flat.
For the defensive front four I’m starting Tom Petty’s present and former drummers, Steve Ferrone and Stan Lynch on the ends. My DTs will be Abe Laboriel Jr. (Paul McCartney’s drummer – excellent run stopper!) and Solomon Burke (I’m pretty sure we can get one more year out of him). I’ve got that big redheaded guy from a million bands I know little about, Josh Homme, rotating in as a DE or outside linebacker (ala Ted Hendricks) on passing downs.
I’ll get back to fleshing out my starting 11 later.
In short yardage, I’m using Leslie West, the industiral Fridge, to punch it in. His off-season conditioning may be an issue.
That’s some terrible protection of the football from Elvis there, as well. This is further proof that JB should line-up at QB, and Elvis should only be brought in for the Wildcat.
I like McCartney’s drummer as a specialist for running downs. I don’t know what kind of pressure you’re going to get on the quarterback, though, unless you’ve got something in your defensive backfield lined up for some exotic blitz packages.
We’re all under an gentleman’s agreement to leave the Bears Shuffling Crew out of this discussion, I hope.
Also, Ray Davies? He has no business being on the gridiron at all. I’d love to have him as my back-up Wicket Keeper or Mid-Off if Jarvis Crocker get injured, but punt returner? No way.
I don’t know if I can stock my roster with ANY Brits – and in this case I feel totally justified in saying this. I’ve already got some Canadians, and I am scouring the Australian Rules Rock Football League for special teamers. Peter Garrett from Midnight Oil has got a foot, but I’ve got to look into his consistency regarding hangtime and whether he’d be able to place a “pooch” punt.
James Brown was about 5′ 2″! He’d be the Doug Flutie of Rock ‘n Roll Football. James Brown is my mighty might, third-down halfback, like Dave Meggett. I don’t care how great a bandleader he was. My head coach calls the shots! My head coach, by the way, is the super-cool, offensive wizard Burt Bacharach.
I’m still deciding on my starting quarterback, but I’ve signed a grizzled, veteran QB as a backup/mentor type, the cagey, intelligent Kris Kristoferson! He’ll be ready to step into the lead role should my starter go down in late November.
I’m not willing to give a blanket rejection to all of the Brits, but they are going to show that they have logged in some time on the rugby team to be considered (except for Mick Jagger because he already owns a football jersey).
Mod said:
My head coach, by the way, is the super-cool, offensive wizard Burt Bacharach.
I say:
Too many trick plays!
Mod also said:
I’m still deciding on my starting quarterback, but I’ve signed a grizzled, veteran QB as a backup/mentor type, the cagey, intelligent Kris Kristoferson!
I say:
LOL!
Coach Bacharach already has James Brown coming off the bench as his scatback – and JB is deceptively powerful and capable of running off-tackle. For his starting backfield, Coach is going with Otis Redding and, in the Preston Pearson screen-pass role, Silky Sam Cooke.
Mod, I have it on good authority that the Godfather is at least 5’6. I’m willing to hear you out on better QB options, but you need to check your facts on the height thing, or this could get ugly fast: http://rap.about.com/b/2007/01/12/man-shot-over-james-browns-height.htm
The Godfather will look like The Godson in the shadow of my blitzing DEs, Josh “The Hawk” Homme and Stan “The Man” Lynch!
I’ll echo BigSteve and say that not only are those shoes indefensible (not to mention a very poor choice for football) they alone would keep The Pelvis off of the Mount.
Funny stuff!
I would add Rod Stewart as the place kicker, given his previous soccer experience.
I like JB as the scat-back. The footwork on his cut-back moves is simply amazing. JB will also be very handy at faking an injury in the last 2 minutes to get the clock stopped and then make an amazing reovery.
I do think marvin Gaye could be a good posession receiver in the Armani Toomer mold. Tall and runs great routes. Smooth but not too fast.
Oh – and Elvis should not be on the team. Athletically, he was a pussy. I am sure jocks used to beat him up for being such a wimp. The picture of him above is obviously a promo shot to make him seem more jockish. The sneaks defeat the purpose
Didn’t Elvis have a black belt? Surely that counts for something.
Elvis would grade out well in the combine, but there would be some questions about his mental toughness when the game got underway. I see him as an undersized outside LB, a tantalizing project.
Guys I would not have on my football team, in any position, under any circumstances:
Andy Partridge — too artsy-fartsy
Ozzy Osbourne — too confused
Jonathan Richman — too fey
Bill Wyman — no team spirit
Ace Frehley — no guts
Roy Wood — not interested; might make him the water boy, though
Marc Bolan — too frail
Frank Zappa — insufferable
Paul Weller — all show, no go
Oh, and by the way, the QB on *my* team is Ronnie Van Zant. Halfback: Wicked Wilson Pickett. Y’all can just pack up your shit and gowan home now.
I’m pretty sure nobody in Kiss would make a good football player.
I mean aside from their talents at branding and cross-marketing. Was there a football player who was clearly more interested in endorsements and celebrity than being skilled on the field? That’s Gene and Paul, in a nutshell.
Ronnie Van Zant as QB is GENIUS!
How about Tad Doyle as the center?
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/ABPub/2008/02/06/2004168758.jpg
(He’s the one with the chainsaw)
I would pick a defensive line that comes with a built in nickname like The Delaware Destroyers.
Bacharach is genius! Dick Vermeil in a sweater. And how could you not use K.K. on the team.
I’m already on to the cheerleading squad:
Debbie Harry
Toni Basil
Carly Simon
Zooey Daschund (or however you spell her)
Poison
You’ve got it with Vermeil, Chickenfrank! Nice cheerleading squad you’ve assembled.
The Wicked Pickett is a great pickup, Hrrundi. I wish I’d thought of him. I could have used him in tandem with Otis for a 1977-era LA Rams backfield (eg, Lawrence McCutcheon et al – I know that probably means nothing to a lot of you, but I loved their big backs running power sweeps).