Oldsters on the list know the “Battle Royale” drill: everybody brings their best/worst to the squared circle of geeky rock combat and attempts to wrest the imaginary “belt” from the Townsman/woman who lays previous claim to it. We argue vociferously about who deserves to win the “battle,” and–if he’s so inclined–Mr. Moderator (in his role as RTH Commissioner Jack Tunney) eventually comes down from on high to declare a winner. Remember: this is not a “Last man Standing;” this is about bringing your best–or in this case, your worst–to the table.
I’ll start with a song I truly despise; one made even worse by its incessant use in retail settings this year: pre-adenoidal Michael Jackson (and his Jackson 5 siblings) screeching his way through “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Ugh! Make it stop!
I look forward to your responses.
HVB
If the accompanying video counts for anything, this may cause your initial entrant to break a sweat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebiVOt-gqa0
CrosBo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiXjbI3kRus
Just gimme the fucking belt now. This is over!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10OcvYB5f9g
Man, I just wanna smack the black off his tux.
Kicking that clip off with Jamie Lee Curtis was a low(-cut) blow.
Yes, it’s almost promising for a second, until she feigns enthusiasm, which she does very well, her husband must think he da man!
I had to find this to make me happier:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9cj535TOCQ&feature=related
That’s a good xmas song.
It is hard to imagine besting Bon Jovi for sheer loathsomeness, so I will take a different tack with this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQw0oEk2Ngg
Something to see if only for William Conrad’s stirring “First Noel.”
Ok, Bon Jovi, take this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra0bnrhO_xM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJuopcSdSHs&feature=related
Who designed Donny and Marie’s mouths, Hannah-Barbara?
Here’s your Billy Squire video featuring a sweater that even Bill Cosby would have left in the closet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xG9QyKxYUxw
Belt please.
BTW, hrrundi, that digital MJ video may need to become the official video opening of ALL Battle Royales!
Horrible sweater (I thought it had the neck section cut out at first, a la Flashdance), but you lose badness points for 1) a not-terrible version of that song (good solo, at least), 2) multiple shots of prime Martha Quinn, and 3) a brief shot of the love child of the black, Jheri-curled VJ (forgetting his name) in the front row and Wolfman Jack. The guy’s sitting on the other side of Santa and appears briefly during the solo.
Golly, if it weren’t for their professsed descriptions of themselves as musical genres…I couldn’t tell them apart!
Jesus, I’ve already heard that Wham song Last Christmas about ten times this month because my girlfriend put it on mix cd and her daughter seriously is trying to torture me. That’s first on my hate list right now.
No wonder this guy was all by himself. Hand over the belt! Size 42!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRUEtBA5Quw
Mod, confess, were you the one who left this comment on youtube: “my favorite christmas song of all time..when the radio stations play christmas music (this year included) i never hear this song”?
I gotta say:
1. That Squier song ain’t half-bad.
2. The G.O’S number is dreck, but it doesn’t measure up in sheer ear-splitting irritation quotient to the MJ “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.”
3. The Osmonds are crappy, but what the hell do you expect? There’s no sense of musical betrayal there.
4. The Bon Jovi track does manage to crucify a pretty good song, so extra points there. But it doesn’t make my head hurt like the MJ song does. So the pre-teen MJ has JBJ in a headlock, as far as I’m concerned.
5. All the celebrity kitsch numbers are disqualified. That ain’t rock and roll!
… having said all that, I defer to the RTH Commissioner, Jack (Mr. Mod) Tunney on all this.
Yeah, he was sure one happy-go-lucky guy.
“Ain’t rock and roll”? What’s the matter with you? Were you paying no attention? Whereas Marie Osmond is a little bit country, Donny is a little bit rock and roll. Where you been?
Don’t worry, HVB, your Commish is following this closely. I’ve gotta agree with your analyis so far, and I’m glad you’re throwing out performances by the likes of William Shatner or whichever other celebs have butchered holiday songs. I’ll continue to play along myself, if you don’t mind, to raise the level of competition. I’ve got the surefire winner in my hip pocket, but I swear not to play it. Meanwhile, this Christmas I’ll be thankful if I never hear this song or watch this video past today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEYVuMqZdTM
Doesn’t know the difference between Cannon and Captain Kirk.
He’s got a point there, HVB. Say what you want about The Osmonds, but if, like misterioso, you cut your rock ‘n roll teeth on “Crazy Horses” this would definitely qualify as “musical betrayal.”
Ok, ok, so we need to “play by the rules.” I get it. I give you “Christmas in Fallujah.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qs785Wo2dCw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNHF5p4bV_k
I know the difference, my friend. That was a pre-emptive strike against the likes of a few Townsmen I have in mind. Fucking Cannon rocks!
Yes, it’s Donny’s DEFINING FEATURE.
I guess it’s better than him singing Cannon Balls.
Yeah, and if self-important protesty Billy Joel isn’t enough for you, I’m raising the ante here with mein gutenherr Machschau Tom Jones and a choir of thousands assaulting “Happy Xmas (War Is Over).” At the Vatican.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2TtzDmCQ9s&feature=related
And that, surely, is that. The only way they’re topping that is if they were all on ice skates.
You’ll notice that BJ is reading his tender, heartfelt commentary from a teleprompter!
Okay, that Jones, etc. performance of “Happy Xmas” is genuinely awful. But it’s a one-off — i.e., it was never released to the universe in mass quantities to be played and replayed until you want to shoot somebody in the eye for blinking. I’m looking for the worst holiday anthem, not the worst holiday performance of an anthem! For my money, MJ is still in the lead!
Hair splitter.
I think it’s telling, HVB, that you do not provide audio evidence of The Jackson 5’s version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” – and that you mostly attribute it to RTH whipping boy Michael. Let’s review:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MiNkll4JSwo
I’ve never been a huge fan of that song, and the by 43rd time I hear Michael lay into that “SANta Claus is coming to town” line I want to convert to Judaism, but if you can object to a particular performance, I don’t see why anyone else can’t. Tom Jones’ performance of “Happy Xmas” in the Vatican is not some tossed-off celebrity performance. It was a significant cultural event, bridging (and healing, I might add) a long-standing rift between the Catholic Church and hippiedom. And that doesn’t even begin to get into ancient Welsh claims to the papacy.
What you’re not seeing, HVB, is that Jones is presently wearing the belt…under his longcoat tux jacket!
Townspeople, your goal is now to see if you can wrestle it from the hirsute Welsh sex god (and his manager, misterioso).
Billy. Idol. Christmas. Album.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsthP5AONzc Jingle Bell Rock
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpOpxcknNP4 White Christmas
I just can’t decide song which is worse. The Tom Jones thing is pretty awful, but Billy Idol actually put out an entire Christmas CD, and thought people might buy it. It seriously looks like one of those fake SNL promos for an album that doesn’t exist….
Perhaps if, somehow, he’d managed to combine White Christmas with White Wedding (“It’s a…nice day for a…White Christmas…”), but I think this is more funny-sad than truly reprehensible.
Bon Jovi covering Elvis wasn’t bad enough? Okay. here’s Whoopi Goldblah introducing Jon Bon Jovi covering The Eagles christmas song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhSs31uhxCk&feature=related
I know this has created some children to lose a parent, but I really want that belt!!
Oh… my… God. I just sat through three of those Billy Idol videos, and they are trainwreck-bad. I mean, I admit, Billy Idol didn’t have a lot of pride to damage, but *really*… what little cred he had for being, you know, a heroin-snorting, pussy-eating rock and roll speed demon is pretty much squandered for life here. That, AND his versions of those classics are downright wince-inducing. Excruciating. Hand over the belt — there’s a new champ in the ring!
I think the Billy Idol is hilarious, and I think he intended it to be that way. I can’t make this be “the worst” of anything because I like the guitar tone too much. I think I’d rather hear that than the one they play ever twenty minutes, anyway.
That is terrible, isn’t it? I didn’t know this thing existed until today. Idol’s overall body of bad Christmas work is putting hurting on Tom Jones and his longcoat tux. We’ll see how this plays out…
I love the sax player with the wide pornstudtail and the keyboardist with whatever kind of hat that is. Points, too, for the woman with the pointy bass. Bon Jovi is thoroughly mediocre, as always. As always, when JBJ comes up for discussion in the Halls of Rock, I’ve got to ask myself, Just how good must that guy be at giving head? He’s got to be the Tony Danza of Rock. Can we waive the standard waiting process and immediately induct him into the RTH Foyer of Fame?
I say we keep this one in the running along with the Idol Christmas, but Jones is still concealing the belt under that longcoat.
You think so? I may be the Commish, but I listen to The People. As someone else said, I was hoping for a “White Wedding” reference to blatantly interrupt his “White Christmas.” That may have topped the surefire winner I have in mind but swear, as Commissioner, not to play. Let the Battle Royale rage on. BILLY IDOL PRESENTLY HOLDS THE BELT!
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, you are neglecting the worst of the worst. It’s fine and dandy for you to be mentioning a horrible song from a solo artist, or even lightening striking multiple times with another artist. But you cannot deny the power and the glory of having 45+ musicians/performers/artists in one place singing one of the stupidest Christmas anthems of all time (and one I proudly purchased in it’s day). RTH, I propose that you hand over the belt right now. I give you:
Band Aid: “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5cX_ncZLls
Not only is this song so complicated that the performers require lyrics sheets to sing along, but we get to witness Sting actually singing his name. But wait there’s more: it’s not enough that we have all these egos puffing out the pretentious lyrics, we are reminded at the end that “over 20 people were responsible for making this video.” They neglected to mention the other 200 required to do the artists’ hair.
THIS is celebrity charity (although maybe not for the listeners).
On a related note, suddenly I’m reminded of this RTH classic:
https://www.rocktownhall.com/blogs/index.php/and-tonight-thank-god-it-s-their-hair-in/
I gotta say, that thread you re-visited is one of the all-time greats, Mod. Mind you, the gang had some choice source material to work with. But kudos to all — a real high point in our collective blogging careers.
Um… Ah say what?
Ohh… My God
Scary. Cher truely terrifies in this one.
I would note though, that that thread appears to have forgotten the best famine charity song, “Starvation”, which included UB40, Madness, The Specials, The Pioneers et al. and which was backed by “Tam Tam Pour L’Ethiopie” by a collection of noted African artists. “Starvation” is actually a cover of an old Pioneers song, so they avoid the pitfall of actually trying to write a topical song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLbq4UPoYVI
“That Squier song ain’t half-bad.”
I couldn’t agree more. It’s almost all bad. And I like some Billy Squire songs.
I’ll concede that there maybe a worse Christmas anthem (although I’ve yet to see one listed here) but that voice is so shrill that it makes Michael Jackson sound like Charles Brown in comparison.
Ah crap. I went to hit “play” for this video and I accidentally hit “like”.
I WISH Band Aid had covered another song – their attempt at a topical song is just too much to stomach, pun intended.
A delightful stroll down memory lane.
Too obscure, perhaps, to be a contender, but too awful not to mention http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjWu0FVKMy8
Great… now that Squire song is stuck in my head. Oh, Fortuna, you merciless sprite!
here’s a tender contender. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8gmARGvPlI
George was getting in the holiday spirit with his frosted hair.
Tacky is one thing, but shrill?
Dora Bryan – All I Want for Christmas Is a Beatle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWC3hvGtBBc
GOOD GOD, THE FOSSOR HAS GRABBED HOLD OF THE BELT AND IS BRAZENLY PARADING AROUND THE RING WITH IT! That was excruciating. Thank you!
Quite possibly a compilation of horrible, unlistenable Beatle-themed Christmas songs could be compiled. And then destroyed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2tSAvAh8I0&feature=rec-LGOUT-exp_fresh+div-1r-3-HM
Hanoi Rocks, Run Run Rudolph.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IoR-EHgguE&feature=related
Dig Marie’s pink dress, and nothing says ’70’s like a Paul Lynde guest appearance.
Love the dancing Santa.
“Gilbert should re-release this.It’s one of the lovelist xmas songs ever.”
— youtube comment
Does he really sing “Santa balls are jingling”????? Could be bells I suppose…
The Royal Guard!
While the performance isn’t particularly objectionable, the video for Hall and Oates’ version of “Jingle Bell Rock” may be worse than Billy Idol’s video of the same: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njGQlQkM5QQ
Ladies and Gentlemen, the one… the only… Ashanti!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEazcxePMOY
I think this song takes longer to sing than it took to write.
(Ok, it’s not “rock,” file under “R&B,” “pop” or just “Shit.”)