Feb 092007
We feel it would be of benefit for those of us who feel compelled to tune in for at least a stretch of the GRAMMYS to have a “treasure hunt”-style checklist of expected moments to track. Perhaps you will want to take a drink whenever one of these Obligatory GRAMMYS Moments takes place, but that is optional.
Things we expect to add to this list, which we will make available as a downloadable .pdf document, include the following:
- First wasted acceptance speech
- Artist joined, in mid-song, by a robed choir
- Sting’s slow-motion prance, long coat flapping as his knees kick up, during an instrumental break in “Walking on the Moon”
- First presenter given the “hook” for going on too long with acceptance speech
- Award winner/performer thanks the Lord
- Award winner/performer thanks a lord other than Jesus, such as Zeus or Poseidon
- Each time a Beyonce/Shakira/Jessica/J-Lo/Fergie of the night employs the bowling pin alignment dance arrangement: Big star in front, 2 dancers behind her, 3 dancers behind them forming a triangle of dancers all doing the same steps
- All-star tribute to James Brown (led by Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Sting)
- Performer who offers the most awkward and inelegant “I’m for the troops, but against the war” to court both liberals and conservatives
- First artist to get BLEEPED during presentation/performance
- First artist to slip a curse word by the censors
You get the idea. Please help add to this list. Ideally we’ll come up with a list to publish here later tonight. Thanks!
-Wardrobe malfunction
-Lip-synch malfunction
-Extraneous turntablist/scratcher (do these clowns still exist?
-John Mellencamp/John Fogarty (alternate: Bob Seger/Kid Rock) joint presentation of some “heartland rock” award
-Appearance by “suit” carrying briefcase from sponsoring investment firm
-Surprise Billy Joel performance of new song
-Lionel Ritchie’s too-close-cropped beard
-Hollywood celebrity crossover moment (e.g., Jim Carey and Jenny McCarthy presenting an award for Best Comedy Recording by a mammal
First presenter who clearly doesn’t know all the acts up for the category. Forgivable mispronounciations by illiterates don’t count.
First person to trip getting up on stage.
First performer you now realize was probably never as hot as you thought they were.
Will there be a singer who does not exhort the crowd to help them?
Can you guess how many drums Stewart Copeland is using?
– Lame anti-GWB tirade
– Lame attempt to “fun up” the introduction of the accountants with the suitcases
– Lame attempt to bridge the hip-hop/classic rock divide by deploying Slash somehow
– Lame speech references to the Internet and its effect on the music industry — extra points for tired jokes at Metallica or Al Gore’s expense
– Lame speech by airhead chanteuse attempting to “smart up” by referring to global warming
Also, a drinking game suggestion: one shot/bong huff for each lame Rock Hat clearly deployed to cover up baldness