Nov 042013
- Mary Jane’s = Robert Johnson, early blues 78s
- Hershey Bar = Elvis Presley
- Nestle’s Crunch = Chuck Berry
- Hershey’s Kisses = Buddy Holly
- Mr. Goodbar = Bo Diddley
- Black licorice = Hank Williams, old country 78s
- Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups = The Beatles
- M&Ms = The Rolling Stones
- Mallow Cup = The Move
- Butterfingers = The Who
- Three Musketeers = The Buckinghams and other midwest 1-hit wonders
- SweeTarts = The Turtles
- Snickers = Credence Clearwater Revival
- Blackjack gum = Nuggets bands that sound amazing for a song or two, then quickly loses their flavor
- Krackel = Cheap Trick
- Mounds = Graham Parker & the Rumour
- Almond Joy = Elvis Costello & the Attractions
- Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews = The Undertones
- Kit-Kat and Twix = End-of-the-line 1983 records that are taking their first steps into the ’80s era that I don’t love, like Combat Rock-era Clash, The Jam’s The Gift, or Elvis Costello & the Attractions’ Punch the Clock
I’m still trying to figure out my candy Bob Dylan, James Brown, The Kinks, The Clash, The Buzzcocks, Elvis Costello & the Attractions (pre-1977, in candy terms)…
I’m still thinking about my rock ‘n roll equivalents of Sugar Babies, Hot Tamales, Razzles, etc.
I look forward to your thoughts.
What’s a Milky Way, ELO?
I used to see big bars of Hershey’s Special Dark around, but it seems like Hershey never wanted to fully commit to taking on Nestle’s Crunch bar with Krackel.
Also, there’s stuff worse than this, like if you got those caramels with the vanilla in them…WTF? Caramels are good, why do they need that nasty, pasty white part in the middle?
Th most disappointing is Milk Duds, chocolate and caramel should work, but the consistency of those things is terrible.
Also, left off your list is Whoppers, which I am informed by my girlfriend is “old man” candy. Naturally, I did them despite the way the malty filling grates against one’s teeth.
A choclolate milkshake is great. A chocolate malt is nirvana. Therefore Whoppers are delicious and wonderful and your girlfriend is just wrong. Those easter egg Whoppers with a crunchy candy coating are even better!
I pretty much never met a piece of chocolate I didn’t like, but Nestle’s is a little too waxy. I’d like to know where Mr. Mod stands on Necco’s SkyBar, because I think that’s The Stones. Four different flavors, but all a little different and yet still connected, the way The Stones mix in country, reggae and rock n roll to come up with their also classic sound.
I think Dylan is Heath Bar.
Kinks = Baby Ruth
Ugh, I hate those things almost as much as I hate Three Musketeers. They would be more like Gary Lewis and the Playboys for me.
Man, I love those caramels with the vanilla inside. Talk about your CANDY SHOWDOWN (Choose One): Those things vs Cow Tails, the extended tubes of caramel filled with that dry vanilla cream. It’s like The Temptations vs The Supremes, in my book.
Milk Duds never quite work, I agree, but I can stick with them, poor design and all. They’re like The Kinks’ Muswell Hillbillies, a nearly great album that’s severely marred by unpleasant production.
Finally, funny that you should mention Whoppers, a pack of which I just ate. I got chewed out by my wife and sons for handing out all the “good candies” before all the Whoppers in the mixed bags were distributed to the neighborhood kids. It was clear to me that they were leaving the Whoppers. I didn’t want to be a dick and give them no options but Whoppers. The fact that I like those weird things was beside the point, but my family thinks I was hoarding the Whoppers. They are Old Man’s Candies. Maybe they’re the Bob Seger of candies.
I don’t really like Hank Williams as black licorice. Black licorice is a love or hate candy and Hank is more of a love or just find old fashioned kind of guy. I’m seeing Hank as some antiquated candy that isn’t controversial. Something like Root Beer Barrels. I’d save black licorice for something like Beefheart with Pere Ubu being Good and Plenty, a more friendly version of the same thing.
Some other possibilities:
Velvet Underground (Nico and White Light era): Pop Rocks.
The Cure: Sour Patch Kids.
I can go for that!
What’s the peanut log without any chocolate coating, just salt? I love those things! If the Kinks are Baby Ruth then the candy I’m thinking of is some lesser British Invasion band, like the Hollies.
Man, Bronzed Nordic God, that is a TREMENDOUS breakdown of the black licorice question – and it fits in perfectly with my tastes. You’ve hit the nail on the head:
Hank = Root Beer Barrels
Beefheart = Black licorice
Pere Ubu = Good and Plenty
I love black licorice, but most people don’t. For any candy-related holiday, I hover over my boys and make sure they set aside all black licorice-containing candies, including black jellybeans. They are happy to oblige.
This is officially the GREATEST POST IN THE HISTORY OF ROCK TOWN HALL.
Now:
First off — compared to the classic, amazing, ever-so-slightly salty, just-thick-enough-not-to-be girly, non-focus-grouped Heath bars — Skor bars blow. I mean, they’re not bad, but *when placed in the same context as Heath bars*, you just have to ask: what’s the point? At which point you answer: to make money. Period. Skors are the Osmonds to the Heath Bar Jacksons. Or the Dave Clark Five to the Heath Bar 12 x 5 era Stones. ‘Nuff said.
To the issue of holiday-version candies: I am generally in agreement, but for the Reese’s “pumpkin-shaped” halloween product. A coworker hipped me to the fact that these seasonal candies are in fact excellent, and unique, peanut-heavy versions of the classic Reese’s you and I both love and appreciate. I had one just this evening, and I have to say my coworker was right. Delicious. Unusually so. I have no idea if the latest Bowie album is any good, but *if* it was, I’d say his re-imagining of himself would be akin to a Halloween-edition Reese’s.
I’m sure I’ll have more deep thoughts later, but for now, my reflections on your list:
Mary Jane’s = Robert Johnson, early blues 78s — YES. Furthermore: MJ’s *rule*. The greatest old-school candy? Perhaps.
Hershey Bar = Elvis Presley — well, yes, ca. 1956-1962. Not sure about the movie years, but 70s Elvis was $100,000 Bar, all the way.
Nestle’s Crunch = Chuck Berry — I see Chuck as a Mr. Goodbar guy.
Hershey’s Kisses = Buddy Holly — YES
Mr. Goodbar = Bo Diddley — *No way.* Bo was Charleston Chew, all the way.
Black licorice = Hank Williams, old country 78s — YES
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups = The Beatles — please explain.
M&Ms = The Rolling Stones — maybe
Mallow Cup = The Move — I can see this.
Butterfingers = The Who — Huh?
Three Musketeers = The Buckinghams and other midwest 1-hit wonders — Excellent, yes.
SweeTarts = The Turtles — NO. The Turtles are Zagnut, all the way.
Snickers = Credence Clearwater Revival — YES
Blackjack gum = Nuggets bands that sound amazing for a song or two, then quickly loses their flavor — YES
Krackel = Cheap Trick — YES
Mounds = Graham Parker & the Rumour — Huh? GP & tR are too British for Mounds.
Almond Joy = Elvis Costello & the Attractions — Another Huh?
Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews = The Undertones — YES
Kit-Kat and Twix = End-of-the-line 1983 records that are taking their first steps into the ’80s era that I don’t love, like Combat Rock-era Clash, The Jam’s The Gift, or Elvis Costello & the Attractions’ Punch the Clock
I’m glad you’re on board with this topic, HVB. While drafting it, I felt your spirit wafting through me.
The reason I propose Reese’s Peanut Butter cups as the the Beatles of candy begins with the fact that each is my favorite among their respective domains. But that means nothing here, right? Remember the origin story of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, with the 2 people bumping into each other and getting peanut butter on the one person’s chocolate bar and chocolate in the other person’s peanut butter? In a similar way, the Beatles cross-pollinated musical/cultural style, forever breaking open the boundaries of rock. Reese’s is forever classic yet fresh and forward-thinking. It really straddles the history of candies in the 20th century.
I equate the Who with Butterfingers because both are so abundant in prepubescent and pubescent candy joy while having a deeper, spiritual underpinning. Butterfingers is, at least for me, the most juvenile, teeth-destroying, antisocial candy that I still find enriching on an adult level. Compare it with the $100,000 Bar, which you so aptly align with ’70s Elvis. The $100,000 Bar was manna from heaven as a kid, but there’s no way you would be caught eating one of those things today. Eating a Butterfingers bar, even a full-size one, as an adult can be seen as equally embarrassing, but it’s worth shoving one down when no one is looking. It’s like driving to work as a middle-aged man in your Lexus and shouting out “Teenage wasteland!”
Whatchamacallit =Geffen Records era Neil Young
I propose James Brown is a “Chunky” bar. Just because it is a really concentrated, focused version of a primary thing. Not a lot of extra bits and flavors, you know what you want and this is it. Nice, simple, fundamental.
Also, I prefer Skor bars to Heath – the center is more dense, less air, and the chocolate is darker.
Outlier candy bar, in my view, is the “O’Henry” bar. I wonder which group is that. Also, which band is “Zotz?” Arcade Fire? (ha ha ha).
I stand behind your Chunky as James Brown proposal, cher!
Zotz may be like Lene Lovich or that Malcolm McLaren band that did “C-30, C-60, C-90” and a cover of “I Want Candy.”
What’s classic Neil, a Clark Bar? Werther’s Original?
Pay Day
Yes, that’s a highly underrated band – I mean, candy! Maybe Pay Day is the Buffalo Springfield of candy?
The Band: Necco Wafers. Or one of those “honey straws” they sell at historic theme parks where people dress up like colonial villagers.
Ha! Better yet, how about those honey lollipops shaped like roosters and other farm animals?
Parliament/Funkadelic: those big candy “rings” where the “jewel” is an all-day sucker. Or maybe wax lips.
Who represents those weird Boston Baked Beans, which I always kind of liked? I’m sure each of us has some mystifying record in our collections that only we like.
Is there a Led Zeppelin of candy? And once you get to Black Sabbath and metal bands, do you leave the world of chocolates and caramels and move into forms of hard candies?
Raisinets: The Kinks
Hot Tamales: Van Fucking Halen
Philly peeps (another candy!) maybe remember when the Hooters major label album came out that each member was assigned a “color,” which they wore in photos and videos. So I’m going to go ahead and say those guys are “Chuckles.”
Nice, which would make the Dirty Work-era Stones Jujubes.
They are quaint and odd enough to fit that bill.
Maybe Led Zep is strawberry Twizzlers. Everyone seems to eat them and supposedly enjoy them somehow, but they’re the epitome of fake flavor in a faux, chewly format ripped off of a more genuine licorice whip, which they have made every kid forget unless they hunt in the drug store corner for them and blow the dust off the package to see what they unless they’re a candy hipster.
I dunno about that because people still recognize the Stones as an entity. I made a joke about Chuckles last year and everyone game me a WTH look, like I made up a candy, and these mutant gum drops I described were yet another old man fantasy a la Grampa Simpson.
Paydays are like a band with no promotional efforts since the chocolate is missing, but they’re really fecking good. You’ll never see them in a machine. Maybe Big Star. Lots of nuttiness and crunch, but full of sweet melodic caramelly goodness.
Circus Peanuts are still up for grabs.
The thing I remember about O’Henry bars was the way the announcer in the commercial would intone “exclamation point” at the end kind of sarcastically, like he really still was a Baby Ruth fan when he wasn’t working, and this Aaron fellow was just very good and played in a better ball park than Mays or something.
Same here, but sometimes they don’t even bother putting the black jelly beans into the mix with all the crazy flavors they have in the bags now. I suspect flavor profiling against we old men. Jeez,I’m craving some sambuca now.
Is Lou Reed a Fifth Avenue? He lost something for most of us when the almonds from his Velvet Underground years were taken away.
Aerosmith. Don’t live up to the interesting name, and the frontman looks like a sideshow character. Cirucs Peanuts are that in shape only, are gaudy, somewhat tasteless and over the top, but surprisingly gritty, yet not really in a good way. Hard marshmellow.
Junior Mints = Small Faces?
Paydays are similar to a Twin Cities based candy company’s Salted Nut Roll — the salted nuts vs. the plain peanuts on Paydays I’ve had make the SNR slightly tastier to me, but it’s a regional candy — so they’re like the Suburbs — loved, but never hit the big time.
http://www.pearsonscandy.com/
They also make the Nut Goodie — which is really old school — so that would be like the Trashmen.
I agree with that! One Halloween when I was a sophomore in college I ate too many Hot Tamales and then went out drinking.
We kept a “boot” list of known times when one of the 11 guys in our house got over served — with pertinent details related to the incident.
My name made the list with details simply noted as “The Hot Tamale” boot.
Maybe Robert Plant could be a Tootsie Roll — he has that song “Big Log.”
A Tootsie Pop? Maybe the Wise Old Owl, aka Bootsie, knows.
Putting aside my person distaste for Twizzlers (and belated love for Led Zep), this is a brilliant analogy that will not influence my long-standing feelings about the candy in question!
Isn’t there a “big log” floating in a pool in Caddyshack or some movie from that period that I’ve never seen?
I’m thinking Junior Mints (the candy, not the band Sethro and I played in with our old friend General Slocum about 300 years ago) are more meat and potatoes, old-time rock ‘n roll, like Dion of “Runaround Sue” era.
A York Peppermint Patty sits in front of me. You know what suddenly came to mind? The sophisticated, emotional stylings of Bacharach and David, as sung by Dionne Warwick, Dusty Springfield, Jerry Butler, and all the other best-known interpreters of their music.
ZZ Top: Hmm. For some reason, I’m thinking Mounds Bar. It’s got that faux ethnic, somewhat “African” vibe with the coconut — and it’s wrapped in a sheath of marginally dark, supposedly more intense and rootsier chocolate. It’s a kind of reflection, I think, of Billy Gibbons’ infatuation with the intersection of actually exotic African-American culture and the cheesy commercial culture it spawns.
Good one.
Candy Cigarettes – The New York Dolls or the Ramones
I don’t get the Goldbergs Peanut Chews/Undertones connection.
GPCs are not for everyone because they are both sophisticated (dark chocolate) and outdated (kind of a molasses taste). They have a relatively small but dedicated group of loyalists but will never achieve widespread acclaim like a simpler, more accessible candy bar like a Milky Way. I was originally thinking of someone like Billy Holiday but maybe Steely Dan would be more appropriate.
Everlasting Gobstoppers is like a jam band. It might seem interesting at first but then it just goes on and on…
Peeps = Primus. Their funny to look at but I can’t fathom why anyone would seek them out.
Right — one of the great scenes — a kid throws a Baby Ruth in the country club pool — kids scatter to the tune of Jaws — CC matron makes them drain the pool and Bill Murray in a hazmat suit pick its up and takes a bite of out it — matron faints. You need to see it.
Oh yeah!
Listen, this is all personal. For me, both Goldenberg’s Peanut Chews and the Undertones are “my” thing, the thing of me and my oldest friends. All the stuff you say – sophisticated and outdated, etc – applies to the Undertones. If that’s how you feel about Billie Holiday or Steely Dan, that’s your business. My goal is not to dictate anyone’s associations, although we have been finding many moments in which WE REACH.
I just saw some of those Kisses that are stuffed with caramel – and the ones that have other flavors blended in. All those kinds of Kisses make me think of ’80s retro fanboy bands like the Blasters and Marshall Crenshaw. P-U!
We don’t have enough women in this thread —
Linda Ronstadt — Valentine Hearts, so sweet. Never say anything bad — just read her book.
Debbie Harry — Wax Lips — looks cool, but is there anything there?
As the Hall’s resident expert on all things ZZ Top, Prince, and ELO, I fully support your analysis.
What candies represent the other 2 pieces of your Rock ‘n Roll Trilogy? If I may speculate, I have been thinking that ELO is the rock equivalent of Pixie Sticks. Prince is an early newfangled candy, possibly Twix.
Skittles = ’80s Hair Metal?
Don’t give us any ideas about Debbie Harry and Wax Lips, funoka!
Led Zeppelin is Bit O Honey. Old and gross.
I was thinking rock candy for them but I guess skittles are more colorful.
The White Stripes – Pixie Sticks. Both are stripped down to the bare essence.
I used to laugh when my dad ate the black Chuckles. I couldn’t believe he’d eat those things. I think they’re the only candy that went from marginally OK with red, to worse and worse with each color until inedible black. Maybe they’re like U2. After I Will Follow, it goes south pretty hard and fast.
That’s “her” book — a fluffy airplane read — cotton candy.
Razzels: the candy that turned into gum.
Ed King: Psychedelic guitarist for the Strawberry Alarm Clock that turned into Southern Rock guitarist with Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Right — colored sugar. Take it straight.
Groupies — Charms Blow Pops.
Ha! That’s cold — both to the band and the candy — Chuckles were pure goodness. I would suck those things to slivers.
Like October, War or The Unforgettable Fire . . . I kept eating.
Surely Beefheart would be candy corn, since he wrote a song about it.
Randy Newman as Sno-Caps. The only time I seem to notice either any more is at the cinema.
aloha
LD
Fun Dip aka Lik-M-Aid = The Go-Go’s
A pure sugar delivery system.
Nerds = They Might Be Giants
Perhaps I’m concentrating too much on the names.
Sleater Kinney is an Atomic Fireball. Real hot on the outside and sweet in the middle.
Awesome!
I like the black chuckles – and I think “black chuckles” is a good band name. Also, the order is green, orange, black, yellow, red. The black is perfect in the middle, it’s so radically different, an apex. To each his own!
I suppose Elvis Presley’s sweet would be honey, especially Tupelo Honey. Oh sure there was “Bit O Honey” candies but I’m uncertain if they were still being made in Presley’s heyday.
Van Halen as M&Ms (no brown of course).
Van Hagar as peanut M&Ms
aloha
LD
Harry Nilsson = Chocolate covered cherries. Seems more sophisticated than others, extremely sweet. Alcoholic.
a little late to the thread –
Cadbury Milk Choclate Bar = The Jam – Brittish Import to the US that gained enough popularity but still too English to be mainstream
Marathon Bars = Bay City Rollers – 1970’s flash-in-the pan
Thumbs up to Skor and Paydays!!!
Cadberry Easter egg = Gwar
Both over the top and wtf-inducing.
Well, if there was a candy made of one single bee’s wing, suspended and shimmering in an iridescent, floating sphere of honeydew and rose water, that would be Prince. Although he did have a phase where he habitually sucked on Tootsie Pops.
ELO is Reese’s Pieces, Mod. A sequel to the Beatles (Reese’s Cup) that became best known when associated with spaceships (Reese’s Pieces’ famous ET appearance).
Mary Janes are garbage candy.
Steely Dan are licorice pipes.
Going with Reese’s PBC “You got chocolate in my peanut butter; No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate”, shouldn’t the band be more a mix or hybrid of 2 very different styles/tastes? What about The Specials?
Bow Wow Wow.
New England Confectionary Company – so the band has to be regional, too.
Necco wafers: they seem interesting with those various colors, but then the flavors are all variations on chalk. Nomination: Aerosmith.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCVr9alzSbo
Ta da! Plus music at the start is Waltz of the Flower from The Nutcracker Suite – just getting you in the mood for the holidays.
Agreed. The “snap” when you crack open a YPP is just like the good hook in a Bacharach or David song.
Reese’s Pieces for ELO is it! Nice work, magic man!
As for your Mary Janes comment, let’s pretend I didn’t read that insult, unless you were comparing them to the band Garbage, in which case I will pretend you meant in a good way, like Shirley Manson’s nipple slip.
Dum-Dum sucker = Ted Nugent. I bet he loves having those named after him.
No way! I like Steely Dan a lot, and I can’t stand licorice pipes. If they have to be licorice, can they be Callard and Bowsers? Those things are the only okay licorice.
Oh yeah, Jawbreakers = Jawbreaker. I think I might listen to them all day today.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever had or even seen a licorice pipe, but I’d love to shove one up Donald Fagan’s snide ass.
What about these?
gummi bears
big league chew
cotton candy
fruit stripe
Gummi Bears — Apples in Stereo
Big League Chew — George Thorogood
Cotton Candy — Susannah Hoffs
Fruit Stripe (world’s greatest gum) — gotta think about that one
I totally forget about Fruit Stripe gum. I’m getting a strong ABBA vibe from that chew.
Here’s an important question to examine: What candy represents each of the 4 solo Beatles?
Great calls!
Lennon: one of those sour gumdrops in the shape of a lime wedge.
McCartney: a roll of butter rum Lifesavers
Harrison: Burnt peanuts
Starr: Three Musketeers
I can dig it.