As many of you with kids know, the school year is about to begin again. Across the land, teachers are hunkering down, preparing lesson plans and hiding that secret stash of whiskey and cigarrettes to tide them through the coming academic season.
At this point, I’d like to inaugurate a new running series on Rock Town Hall, in which Townspeople can don the gown and mortarboard, stroke their beards thoughtfully and begin handing out GRADES to rock artists that have been in need of honest, substantive feedback for years now. Remember, you have a responsibility to guide these precocious performers towards artistic maturity. Be gentle, but firm — “tough love” is the rule of the day. Feel free to be brief if you feel the student is well aware of his or her specific shortcomings already — but if you feel they need to know *exactly* what’s preventing them from getting an “A” from you, you should tell them! Standard grading systems apply: A, B, C, D and — yes, even the dreaded “F” where it’s called for. Feel free to also assign “Incompletes” to those artists who need to deliver more material before they can judged. Also remember: it is the goal of the Rock Town Hall Academy to produce well-rounded performers, so please consider all areas of concern — creativity, discipline, tidiness, appearance/hygiene and how well they play with others — when preparing your report cards.
Following is a list of artists in this grading session:
Paul McCartney
David Lee Roth
James Brown
Keith Richards
Keith Moon
Colin Moulding
Paul Westerberg
Prince
Robbie Robertson
Bob Seger
I look forward to your responses.
HVB
Our school year started three weeks ago
but anyway
Paul McCartney – B- (mostly for extracurricular activities such as The Firemen)take what you did with that CD and apply it to the next one and it could be the “great” disc that has been missing from the last 20 years of your career.
David Lee Roth – C+ – A comeback with a sold out VH tour was impressive, but his voice is no longer there for live performance… a VH record could move him up to a solid B
James Brown – Can’t grade him on account of being dead
Keith Richards – Always an A in my book (Professor Richards actually wrote the book in fact)Keith is the only artist I can think of that has a solo band that is even cooler than his regular band
Keith Moon – See JB
Colin Moulding – C – Would love to see little Colin do an album of his own
Paul Westerberg – D Paul needs a band. This solo artist stuff plays to his laziness. A few good songs and as always great hooks, just no real meat.
Prince – D+ – Mr.Rodgers needs to learn how to edit himself. One great 60 minute CD every 5 years is better than a slew of 3-disc sets that go nowhere.
Robbie Robertson – A+ – Robbie can do no wrong as a solo artist. His rock LPs and his Native American LPs are all amazing. Robbie is rooted in roots music but not afraid to experiment with modern sounds.
Bob Seger – see JB (oh, he IS alive? really?)
Are we to grade for the current semester or for lifetime achievement?
Paul McCartney–I just saw Paul in Atlanta. He delivered the goods. For any performer, he puts on a great show and he manages to make lots and lots of people happy. For that he gets bonus points. His musical output has been less than thrilling(ton). I’ll give him Chaos, but I’m not sold that it’s his best since Band on the Run or whatever. It’s not terrible and halfassed like alot of recent stuff. I also take off points for the silly self-adulating concert films he’s seen fit to release. Just give me a filnm of the concert, Paul. I don’t to have Howard Stern tell me how great you are. Grade: B-
David Lee Roth–Poor David. I’m sure he, too made lots of VH fans happy on this last tour. I can’t take points off for the dismissal of Michael Anthony and his replacement. I can;t take points off for Eddie’s weird behavior. I’m sure he’s probably a hired hand and just glad to have a gig. Grade: C
James Brown–I feel weird grading an unburied dead guy. James is every bit as important to musical history as Elvis or The Beatles, but he allowed himself to become a parady which is unforgivable. If he had quit early, he could have made a solid A, however, with his tarnished later image, he must settle for a C.
Keith Richards–I’m not the biggest Stones fan in the world, but I adore Keith Richards. I could just look at the man and dig him. I can’t be influenced by whatever silly crap is going on. Keith will always be cool to me. Grade: A.
Keith Moon–Keith lost some of his brilliance as the alcohol and drugs took their toll, but he was always Keith. He remained who he was up until the end. And really, there was no other way that guy was going to go out. Grade: A.
Colin Moulding–I like his theme to Wonderfalls. Grade: I
Paul Westerberg–I watched an old Style Council concert the other ni…wait…Paul Westerberg? That was Paul WELLER…crap. Grade: I
Prince–I have to give the man tons of bonus points for sheer audacity. He keeps on churning, which is exactly what he wants to do. Plus, he’s brilliant. Like Woody Allen, though, you can’t be that prolific AND brilliant simultaneously. So, we are left with moments of brilliance. Grade: B+
Robbie Robertson–The man seems to be a musician’s musician. And kudos to him for “retiring” from The Band and staying retired. Grade: A-.
Bob Seger–Seger is like a trusty sidekick. He won’t disappoint. He also won’t thrill. Grade: C+
No “F” from me in this lot…
TB
Since these artists are already well past their prime, retired, or dead, I’ll grade them back a few semesters, only including their work from as far back as 2000, to give them a chance of having done something worthwhile.
Paul McCartney: B-. For simply showing up to class and turning in his papers on time, Paul should be commended. If Paul could apply himself to the quality of his work the way he applies himself to making a show of turning it in he could raise his grade to a solid B+.
David Lee Roth: No grade: DROPOUT. It’s time to stop cracking wise about being thrown out of Van Halen. David has had more than enough time to hook onto something/anything that would utilize his talents. Hell, he’d be better served delivering pizzas at this point.
James Brown: B. The years since his death have helped erase the sad decline that was lowlighted by that shocking mug shot. If James can stay dead and out of trouble for a few more semesters he’ll surely raise his grade back to its once-regular A level.
Keith Richards: C+. Keith is a bright, charming, and delightful student when not disrupting the class with wisecracks and unfortunate remarks about “spades.” And he should do something about that hair and the skull rings, the latter being particularly distracting to some of his more impressionable classmates.
Keith Moon: D. I’m disappointed in Keith’s lack of attention to his legacy since his death. The best he could do is spread rumors of Mike Meyers’ longtime interest in producing and starring in a biopic? Maybe he can move the biopic over to that Coppola kid, the one from those Wes Anderson movies and who used to drum for a pretty cool power pop band.
Colin Moulding: C-. Colin actually showed renewed promise with his last couple of grumpy songs on the final two XTC albums, but his lack of enthusiasm drove a final nail in the “band’s” hopes of ever turning out another decent album. Instead we’ve been subjected to Andy Partridge’s 47-CD box set of demos. I’d like to see Colin enroll in a session of summer school under the kind yet firm hand of Professor Hrrundivbakshi.
Paul Westerberg: F. It’s one thing not to be blessed with intelligence. It’s another thing not to be blessed with ambition. It’s a very sad thing to be lacking in both areas and call yourself an artist or entertainer.
Prince: C. Prince’s priorities are all wrong! Every time he seems to get on track by refashioning himself as sturdy, energetic live act he decides to put out some multi-CD concept album. I would suggest that Prince try going out for the theater, under the guidance of RTH’s theater director, The Great 48, and bring his music to Broadway.
Robbie Robertson: F. Sometimes I’m ashamed to admit how much of an inspiration Robertson’s work with The Band was to me whenever I think of him hanging out with that U2/Peter Gabriel/Native American crowd. I’ve got nothing against the Irish or Native Americans, but these attempts at refashioning himself as anything but the best student in woodshop class are laughable!
Bob Seger: A+. Bob’s continues to provide A-level effort with B-level mental and emotional tools. He’s an inspiration to his classmates, and for that I’m proud to give him an inflated grade.
Once again, Prof. Mod shows us why he’s the Dean of the Academy. Excellent post!
Paul McCartney – Why is he still in school? He graduated years ago. Paul keeps handing in albums about Piltdown Man issues like “love”. No grade, as he’s merely auditing the course at this point.
David Lee Roth – F. He’s handed in one homework assignment as far as I’m concerned. I believe his current excuse is “his bitch ate it”.
James Brown – C+. Certainly, his early work was impressive, but once he started associating with that Rocky character, I began to wonder if he didn’t have some parent helping him initially.
Keith Richards – C. Keith, I would like to see more than that one arm motion please. Enduring the other members in your lab shows great patience. Oh, but thank you for that sympathetic document about Chuck Berry. Knock it up to a B then.
Keith Moon – I. High marks for destruction and style, low marks for perserverence and attendence. I wonder if he is still behind that bunker of drums. Keith?
Colin Moulding – C. I wish he would participate more in class. His work seems a bit derivative and incomplete, but when applying his chosen instrument, he is excellent.
Paul Westerberg – C-. He’s always writing, but everything that comes in is illegible. Why they named a school after him is beyond me.
Prince – I have no one by this name in class. There’s one strange symbol listed here…
Robbie Robertson – He’ll make a fine newspaper editor. I predict the Daily Bugle will hire him.
Bob Seger – Robert, would it harm you significantly to stop using apostrophes and start including the “g” at the end of your gerunds and present participles? Still, this student does exceed expectations. However, mine were sufficiently low to still grade him as a D-.
Attention Staff. I’ll interject here and point you to a photo of Seger:
http://blog.mlive.com/buickopen_impact/2009/07/Seger-Woods.jpg
Paul McCartney: He’s a Gemini, so he gets two grades. A+ for life simply for writing Paperback Writer. F for life for Back To the Egg. Massively unfulfilled potential. Name me five good songs he’s written since he turned 30.
Keith Richards: Whatever. The grade goes down every day he lives.
Bob Seger: Listen to the pre-’75 stuff and tell me he’s not underated. Plus he gets extra credit for knowing when to shut up. A-
Paul Westerberg: P
I must Pince Nez myself here: Andy Partridge did the theme for Wonderfalls. It wasn’t Moulding. Sorry, guys. I will try harder in the future as to not let down the beloved Hall.
When did Paul turn 30? I can offer up Tug Of War, Flowers in the Dirt, Flaming Pie, and Chaos and Creation as albums. There’s bound to be five good songs in there. Five GREAT songs may be more difficult.
TB
Chuckflack, Paul would have turned 30 in 1971 or so, right? You can’t find 5 good Wings songs? Man! It’s good to find another hardass in the Halls of Rock.
June 18, 1972, Paul turned 30. I like how people list albums and say generally, find five songs. I said NAME ME five songs. I’m still waiting.
Hardasses unite.
PS: Isn’t the phrase “5 good Wings songs” a bit of a non sequitur?
You want five good McCartney songs post-June 18, 1972? That’s all you ask for? What’s your beef with these two:
“Jet”
“Band on the Run”
I don’t want to list 5 all at once to take away the frun from others [and to take away the chance for others to propose McCartney songs that I would argue are actually crap, like that godawful “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” a song that should be outgrown by the age of 12.
I’ve got others, but really, what’s wrong with these first two?
I’d put those two plus Live And Let Die on a Wings-5 which would actually on be a a Wings-3. My Love and Maybe I’m Amazed are also-rans and I will not defend them. After that, look out below.
“Maybe I’m Amazed” precedes McCartney’s 30th birthday, so we can’t count that one. “My Love” would possibly round out my Top 5, but I don’t want to overload Chuckflack with too many strong McCartney @ 30+ songs.
How about the original version of Coming Up?
I, for one, will proudly declare my liking of “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey”. There is something about the production I think is great.
You have to add “Juniors Farm” and “Hi Hi Hi” to the list
Nice try, fellas. I’ll give you Jet and be gracious and accept Band On the Run. But Coming Up? I’d rather listen to an unreleased Ringo Starr album circa 1985 than hear Coming Up again. My Love is dreadful. Live and Let Die if you’re desperate. Juniors Farm’s a nice surprise. A+ for andyr. Hi Hi Hi, though, gets your hall pass revoked.
Chuckflack, I may stand by “My Love” as this discussion continues – it’s only dreadful if you can’t handle saccharine puppy love. If you’re into that stuff, it’s a near masterpiece. I’m encouraged that you’ve accepted the best three songs put forth so far: “Jet,” “Band On the Run,” and “Junior’s Farm.”
Although I have a soft spot for “Hi, Hi, Hi,” it’s no “Back Off Boogaloo,” in terms of ridiculous chooglin’ songs by solo Beatles.
My beef with “Coming Up” is that is goes on too long. I don’t even know how long it goes on, but it would have been a killer 1:30 song.