Here in the Hallowed Halls of Rock, we tend to be bit snobbish about our music. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), at times this highly developed musical and cultural acumen manifests in rock criticism that ranges from critical downgrades to lambasting to general snarkiness. But I am also aware that we at Rock Town Hall are a talented bunch: among us are musicians, lyricists, humorists, writers, fashionistas, and general pundits. In the spirit of healing, love, and showoffingness I believe that the readers of this site are able to improve on some of the lesser developed music that our tender ears have had to experience. It is time to help some of those less fortunate and ultimately help ourselves.
Below are portions from three songs that most of you will recognize. Your job, in Rocklibs style, is to replace (ie, improve) one or more words in each line. The replacements must reflect the same number of syllables and make grammatical sense. Extra points to you if you are able to change the entire tone or style of the song through your choices. For example, you could zombify it, urbanize it, or have the song (somehow) reflect the Rock ‘n Roll dream.
There is a Rock Town Hall prize awarded for the best effort, as judged by our fine splitter of hairs, Mr. Moderator. Ready, set, go!
Song 1:
On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitis, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night.
There she stood in the doorway;
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself,
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell.”
Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way.
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say…
Is ‘colitis’ really a lyric in ‘Hotel California’? Were Henley and company already in on the game? I do my best not to pay attention whenever I have to hear that song. I will come back to this challenge when I’ve got something.
It should have been. Damn auto spell.
I’m going to steal a line I remember from Bobby Bittman. He always thought it sounded like the “the warm smell of coitus”! That’s a great madlib line, but I have to admit the “warm smell of colitis” is pretty freaking funny. Thank you Microsoft!
Don’t know if you have to be from the west (is the best) coast to know this but the word used is “colitas” which is Mexican slang for a lit marijuana bud. Si, en serio.
All right, let’s give this a crack…and I mean that in the crassest way, since the stage has been set for a scatological theme. Any of you over 45 will be able to relate:
On a BRIGHT HOSPITAL TABLE, cool GLOVE in my BUTT
Warm smell of COLITIS, rising up through the GUT
Up ahead in the INTESTINES, I HAD a shimmering FRIGHT
My head grew heavy and my FLEET KICKED IN
I had to DROP TROU ALL night
There she stood in SPONGEBOB SCRUBS;
I FELT the EVIL GEL
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven if it were THE HALL
Then she lit up THE PROBE, and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
YOUR COLON’S OKAY…
In light of today’s proceedings (and spurred on by that recent reference to Tom Lehrer):
Hello Paul Ryan
Though we hardly know you at all
You’ve been picked for number two
And Romney’s in your thrall.
The press came out the woodwork
They’re blowing up your fame
And you pursue the photo op
Adding Von Mises to your name.
Anthony slaves in a groceteria
Savin’ his pennies for Maria.
Mama Leone left a note on the door
She said Sonny “Don’t sell out and sing country.”.
Yeah working to hard I’d rather be eating at Outback.
Rather be in Philly warm and sunny.
And that’s a fact.