Mark Stein is the keyboard player from Vanilla Fudge, one of the most irritating bands in the history of Rock music. Vanilla Fudge featured an irritating guitarist, a very irritating bass player, and certainly the most irritating drummer in the history of the universe, Carmine Appice. Yet — somehow — Mark Stein, the keyboardist for Vanilla Fudge, manages to be more irritating than all of them put together.

I admit, I may have a problem with Mark Stein — but seriously, what is not irritating about Mark Stein? His stage garb is irritating — oversized brass medallions under freaky dashikis. Bellbottoms and Cuban heel boots — normally pretty cool fashion items — on Mark Stein, they just make me want to punch him in the nose. His hair isn’t cool — it’s a sort of modified bowl cut that neither impresses with its shag factor, nor interests for any purposeful lack of hippy hair integrity. It’s fake, like everything else about Mark Stein. Fake hair, Mark Stein. Fake clothes, Mark Stein. Fake Look, Mark Stein.

Mark Stein, will you please stop swivelling on your ass at every offbeat in every song you perform? Will you please stop doing that Mark Stein arm wave thing — like you’re pretending to conduct some invisible 300-piece rock orchestra? You do realize you’re just conducting Vanilla Fudge, right? Mark Stein, are you listening to me? Are you high, Mark Stein? I doubt it. You’re just acting like you’re high, aren’t you, Mark Stein? Stop acting, Mark Stein. Stop acting.

Please just stop singing, Mark Stein. The way you lean into the microphone is really, really irritating. The way you bellow is irritating, too, Mark Stein. Please stop, Mark Stein. Please just stop. You are very, very irritating.

HVB