rock movies

Actors Who Couldn’t Bother to Learn to Play an Instrument While Portraying a Musician

Apr 162009

I saw some preview on TCM last night for a cult classic (I suppose) I’d never heard of, The World’s Greatest Sinner. It looked hilariously bad. I need to hear from Townsman dbuskirk and other filmophiles on the merits of this flick. But that’s only an anticipated byproduct of this thread.

What I’d like to hear about are the most egregious instances of actors who could’t bother to learn to play an instrument (not even a couple of chords) while portraying a musician. Cartoon characters don’t count. We’ve got to cut them a break; they often have but 3 stubby fingers.

Films That Don’t Rock: Da Blooz Exorcist and Almost Famous

Posted by Mr. Moderator

Feb 122009

As a tie-in to one of the themes of Exploitive Black Rock History Month as well as an excuse to make public, once more, my feelings on the film Almost Famous, I thought I’d re-run the following thoughts on films that don’t rock. Our initial discussion was fun, but I was surprised more failed rock movies weren’t brought up and hashed over. What’s that one about the fictional Carole King figure (Illyana Douglas) – Grace of My Heart! I liked it, but I’ve gotten into some long discussions with a couple of friends who KILLED the movie for having, like, a 1967 mixing board in the background during a scene that was set in 1965! Many other rock films do not rock – or cause split reactions among us rock nerds. I’m thinking of The Doors, Andyr. I can’t get by the glued-on sideburns; my man Andy is all-forgiving thanks to the mystical Indian/peyote scenes.

This post initially appeared 5/21/07.

I’ve probably said my piece just fine on my main beef with Almost Famous. Long story short, it’s a cheap, self-help, feel-good story for people who won’t help themselves to feel good. That, and Kate Hudson is among the most annoying screen presences of this era. The kid’s defense of Hudson’s groupie with a heart of gold, Penny Lane (Kid: “You guys are always talking about ‘the fans, the fans, the fans’ – She was your biggest fan!”), during the “truth-telling” flight scare, is especially embarrassing. Knowing glances follow as this 15-year-old dork tells it straight up. How phony! How conceited of semi-autobiographical writer/director Cameron Crowe to cast himself in this role. For whom does Crowe speak? What about that imaginary band’s imaginary fans, who wanted to believe the myth of the cocksmen and their groupies? What about the sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll? What about these imaginary fans having to see their imaginary heroes bond over “Tiny Dancer”? Surely there are more realistic, more noble ways to allow for a feel-good, coming-of-age tale in the middle of the world of rock ‘n roll!*

Let’s move onto the exquisitely conceived Black Snake Moan, or what I’ll refer to as Da Blooz Exorcist. Surely you were intrigued by the trailers a few months back of a barely clad Christina Ricci playing a white trash nymphomaniac who’s left by the side of the road, taken in, and nursed – in a sense – back to health and salvation by a blues-playing, Bible-totin’ Samuel L. Jackson, looking a bit like Pops Staples. I know I was intrigued! This had all the markings of a world-class, what-were-you-thinking turd of hilarious proportions. Last night I watched the film in my hotel room, and it nearly delivered the goods.

What they don’t tell you in the trailers is that Jackson’s Lazarus character has his own set of troubles, specifically woman troubles. What else? His woman done left him, and he’s been hittin’ the bottle pretty hard. Turns out he hasn’t been playin’ da blooz in public fo’ some time. The trailer makes you think he shows up on screen a fully formed blooz-slingin’, Bible totin’ healer from the git-go, doesn’t it?

Spoiler Alert! Beware before reading on.
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The Titanic of Winnipeg

Posted by northvancoveman

Dec 152008

Having crossed Canada several times and lived in half our provinces, I can tell the mostly American patrons of Rock Town Hall one thing for sure about rock and roll in Canada. While Ottawa may be our capital, we have a hands-down, undisputed capital of rock and roll: Winnipeg.

In Winnipeg you either play hockey, play in a band, or both. Neil Young grew up there, The Guess Who (also known in Canada as “The Prairie Beatles”) were all from The Peg, and more recent artists like Chantal Kreviazuk, Remy Shand, and Bif Naked all picked up and instrument and headed to the basement on cold winter nights.

Whatever you think of Winnipeg, and the reports are not all good, Peggers are extremely proud of their hometown and their is a bit of an island mentality to the place. The best way to illustrate this phenomenon, and the point of this post, is a movie called The Phantom of the Paradise.

The Phantom of the Paradise is a 1974 “comedy-horror-musical tragedy” from a young director named Brian de Palma. The movie is generally regarded (when it is regarded at all) as a precursor to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie flopped across the world and even in the rest of Canada. In Vancouver, Edmonton, and Calgary the film lasted a week and never returned. In Winnipeg, well…

Phantom is the biggest movie ever in Winnipeg. I first learned of this after three rocker friends of mine of a certain age referenced the movie constantly, as though it were The Godfather or Star Wars. They did not know that us non-Winnipegers did not know what the H-E-double hockey sticks they were talking about. I was sat down and forced to watch it. Better than I imagined, with a great soundtrack by Paul Williams. Of course, I didn’t like it enough to put on a massive party called “Phantompalooza,” like they do in Winnipeg every year. Oh yeah, pretty much the whole cast, including Paul Williams, attends this event. In case you’re wondering, this is not “hipper than though” digging on this movie; this is genuine love from people who were 8 to 12 years old when the movie hit.

I wonder, could this phenomenon happen in today’s Internet world? Probably not. Did it happen with another movie or record in your town? I am interested to hear…

In Recognition of The Day the Earth Stood Still: Klaatu Poses 5 Questions for Earthlings

Posted by Mr. Moderator

Dec 122008

In recognition of the opening of the major motion picture The Day the Earth Stood Still, a special guest, Klaatu, has entered the Halls of Rock to pose 5 questions for earthlings. These questions can only be answered after listening to the following songs.

Klaatu, “Calling Occupants (of Interplanetary Life)”

Question 1: If this was supposed to be The Beatles, who was supposed to have been singing lead, an infant Carl Newman?

Klaatu, “California Jam”

Question 2: If “California Jam” had appeared on any of those post-Brian Wilson breakdown albums that the brave pop fans among you can stomach, would it have been considered a “triumph of the post-Pet Sounds era?”

Klaatu, “Anus of Uranus”

Question 3: Is the above song’s title worthy of the world-renowned standards of “Canadian humor?”

Klaatu, “Sub-Rosa Subway”

Question 4: For you, does the sound of the bass at the beginning of “Sub-Rosa Subway” nearly single-handedly justify the entire song’s existence?

Klaatu, “Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III”>

Question 5: If you were casting the major motion picture version of Klaatu’s 3:47 EST album on behalf of Robert Stigwood – and death was not a factor – who would you cast in the role of Sir Bodsworth Rugglesby III (remember, appropriate singing ability should be considered)?

On behalf of Klaatu, thank you, earthlings.

Last Man Standing: Rock ‘n Roll-Related Lines Uttered by a Character in a Movie That Isn’t Specifically About Rock ‘n Roll

Posted by Mr. Moderator

Dec 052008

The subject line should be self-explanatory, but in case it’s not clear enough, this rules out lines from Spinal Tap, School of Rock, That Thing You Do, and that movie starring Paul Simon (with Lou Reed!), One-Trick Pony. On the other hand, I can think of killer lines about rock ‘n roll in movies like Repo Man and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, two movies that embrace rock ‘n roll culture but are NOT about rock ‘n roll in any way.

I wish I could find the full rant from Martin Donovan‘s character in Hal Hartley‘s Simple Men, but this brief excerpt give you an idea of what I have in mind to kick things off:

And oh how they danced…
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Behind the Music: Gumby: The Movie

Posted by Mr. Moderator

Dec 012008

Researching a thread for Rock Town Hall can lead a Townsperson down unexpected alleys and confront us with shocking revelations. The following piece is just such an example. Beware, HVB.

Sometime in the early ’80s, Townsman Sethro and I attended a midnight movie showing of about 30 consecutive episodes of the childhood classic claymation show from our youth, Gumby. It was perfect midnight movie programming! Each time one short episode ended and the Gumby theme restarted we reached new levels of glee! All we were missing was a big box of Quisp.

As soon as my first son reached television-viewing age and could make some sense of cartoons that preceded his generation, I wanted to turn him onto Gumby. I bought him a set of rubber Gumby, Pokey, Blockheads, et al figures, much like the ones I had as a boy. I searched in vain for a good collection of Gumby episodes on VHS or DVD. At the time, there was nothing available along the lines of that midnight movie showing that didn’t come with Amazon warnings along the lines of, “These poor-quality tapes are practically bootlegs.” I did see something legit called Gumby: The Movie. I didn’t take into account that it was made in 1985 and may not have had all the aesthetic qualities of the Gumby I grew up with, but it seemed worth a try for exposing my boy to this important show.

Analyze THIS!

Posted by hrrundivbakshi

Nov 242008

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In an effort to jump-start the critically important deconstruction of Guns N’ Roses’ late-period video output, I’ve taken the liberty of posting the mini-film that provides visual accompaniment to their hit, “Cold November Rain.” It is Rock Town Hall’s hope that willing Townspeople will step forward with insightful observations and analyses, so that we may better understand what exactly is going on here.

Specific questions that deserve answers include, but are not limited to:

1. In the opening minute alone, Axl is transported thrice while playing piano: from a concert hall, to the inside of the church where he is to be married, to the barren wasteland of the American West. In considering this metaphorical statement about the vagaries of fame, the emptiness of love, and the meaninglessness of existence, I ask: why is he wearing a bandana when he isn’t actually bald? Isn’t that why rock stars usually turn to the bandana?

2. “It’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain.” Compare and contrast with the statement “Every rose has its thorn,” making, if you wish, specific reference to life-changing events in your personal history.

3. The cigarette dangling precariously from the lip: explain its role in rock imagery in general, and as a specific counterpoint to Axl’s pussy-ass power balladeering.

4. How many weddings were celebrated after this video was released, in which slightly paunchy, balding men stuffed themselves into Edwardian military waistcoats, and waggled pinky fingers newly adorned with adamantine elven-rings? I’m just askin’.

As always, I look forward to your comments.

HVB

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