Of all the inherently cool bands with enough label support and public interest to reasonably be expected to capitalize on the video age, have any artists failed as miserably as The Rolling Stones and The Clash?

Granted, the Stones were already old when videos became a major marketing tool, but compared with their peers, have they even come up with something as “anti-clever” as George Harrison’s “I’ve Got My Mind Set On You” video? That one in which the sepia-toned Stones try to act cool while towering over New York City strives to be cool, but it’s quickly ruined its invasion of tired Victoria’s Secret models. Yeah, we know the ladies love you and you’ve collectively sired 107 illegitimate children to prove it.

Here’s what may be the most ambitious Stones video.

It plays like an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. While the producer hired every sweaty Hispanic extra available on short notice and willing to work for meal money, he or she couldn’t have found a better fake moustache and glue than the bargain-basement stuff Oliver Stone likes to use on his period pieces? Did Stone have something to do with the making of this video? Jagger, like any actor in a film by Oliver Stone whose character requires facial hair, must answer one question: You don’t have a desk job with a dress code, the Principal and your Mom’s not going to give you a hard time, your mate is understanding of the demands put on your career…can’t you take a couple of weeks out of your schedule to grow a real moustache?

All that said, I can write off the failed opportunities of The Stones in the video age to the fact that they’d already conquered the genre, the world, the underage models of Brazil. The Clash is another matter, and I have determined exactly what held them back.
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