May 242012
Even those of you as busy as I’ve been today know that it’s Bob Dylan‘s 71st birthday. Assuming you don’t actually know Dylan and haven’t actually bought him something for his birthday that you don’t want to give away before he opens it, what would you have gotten him?
Similar to the way the Little Drummer Boy serenaded the Christ Child on his birthday, I and about half of my compatriots in the Philadelphia Ukulele Orchestra will join together at the Bob Dylan Birthday Bash in Philly to perform The Man In Me. If, for some reason, Bob doesn’t show up to hear it, I will probably just mail him a gift card to Starbucks or something.
A kazoo. I somehow think hearing that guy tunelessly warble on a kazoo would be endlessly entertaining. Plus, it would keep him from actually “singing.”
I intend to be there, partly to hear this rendition of the “New Morning”, “Big Lebowski” classic!
I’ve never known any male person who wasn’t pleased to receive a Swiss Army knife, I’ve got a great little keyring one with a crosshead screwdriver, a pen and a little torch. I’d get him one of those, and a nice card.
I would officially absolve him of ever having to sing Forever Young again.
I once got a Swiss Army Knife for Christmas as a teenager. Everyone in the family just had to play with it, and everyone managed to cut or nick themselves doing so. It was the bloodiest Christmas ever in our house.
I would get him a book on harmonica lessons.
http://www.turboharp.com/Files/Products/first%20lessons%20book.jpg
Swiss Army Knife is the way to go. I bet Dylan would be all “Oh man, look at that, it’s got a…got a corkscrew on it! And what are these? Are those tiny scissors? Oh wow!”
Nice!
Don’t forget the tweezers. Those made a dandy roachclip.
No offense to you and the rest of the Philly Ukestra, but the thing I’m still most excited to see at the Bob Dylan Birthday Bash are the motorcycle stunt riders on-loan from the Police Thrill Show.
I’d send him a card with a note explaining that I think he’s still great but that he ought to remember that he can still play an acoustic guitar; that he can no longer sing over loud electric backing very well; and thus that he needs to more or less permanently go un-electric or semi-electric in concert.
We were going to have those guys drive us onto the stage for a dramatic entrance but I got cold feet due to HVB’s cautionary tale from his high school days.
Three times in the 2000s – THREE times – my wife has left a United States airport with a Swiss Army knife in her carry-on bag. What’s wrong with US airport security?
The first time it was discovered by Italian airport security people on our return flight home from the super-organized (I’m being sarcastic) Rome airport.
The second time it was discovered by Canadian security personnel as we transferred from a US flight through Toronto (en route to Italy).
The third time was just last year, when we went to Paris. This time the knife was discovered in her bag as we went through the security line to see some stained-glass chapel. The guard said we could bring it to some museum cafeteria for storing or he’d have to trash it. I got out of line and walked outside, in search of the cafeteria. I couldn’t find it, so I eventually decided to stash it behind a tree on a busy street. I felt like a terrorist or Matt Damon or something. We came out of the chapel a half hour later and the knife was still there, sitting behind a giant tree, facing a busy Parisian street. Exciting!
I would get him a Twins cap and some tickets to Target Field for his next trip home to Minnesota. Maybe he could change the karma this year.
and . . . cool . . . is this a little, white, plastic toothpick?
Better still, get him tickets to a Nats game. There are examples of BOTH spellings of Zimmerman(n) here.
Charm School lessons.
Guess Westerberg’s not enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5znWEZKWBQ&feature=player_embedded
A brand new leopard skin pillbox haaattttttt!
With a SASE asking him to tell me how his head feels under it…
100 years ago I played in a band that did “Rainy Day Women”. We passed out cheap kazoos to the audience so they could join in. It was cool.
I’d get that answer from the wind and tell it to him. I’d also get him some detangler for his blue problem.
A new yarmulke…No, rosary beads!…No, a yarmulke!…No, wait….
Or maybe just some brown rice, seaweed & a dirty hot dog.